Dinoraur.

Reality.
2014-04-12 16:03:06 (UTC)

Stop.

I've got some time to kill, so how about I actually write.
My stomach hurts. So badly. I'm terrified. I'm mad. I'm depressed.
Let's get started.
Scott is still in Texas. He comes back late tomorrow night. I'm terrified for him to come back. My mom won't show me the messages, but he has apparently been sending her extremely nasty and threatening text messages. I hope he dies. I hope he never comes back. If not that, I hope he comes back, and kills me. With all the anger he has, and the way he's been talking, I seriously wouldn't be surprised if he hurt one of us. Or both.
He's so fucking immature, and I can't handle it. He is down there because his fucking dad died. All he can think about it killing his brothers though. He talked about making a fucking scene AT HIS DAD'S FUNERAL. FUCKING IMMATURE FREAK. What would you be so childish?! You're dad fucking died. You aren't down there to kill people. You're not there to cuss my mother out. You aren't down there to make your mom more upset. You are down there to be at your fucking dad's funeral. Grow the hell up. Immature bastard. I can't wait until he decides to try to pull the, "No one understands! My dad just died! Blah blah blah!"
Fuck. My dad died three years ago. When I was eleven. You're fifty-one. Grow the hell up and deal with it. I pray to Zaros he pulls that. I will flip shit when/if he does.
He has no right to act this way. He never has a right. He does this shit on a daily basis to us. Why the hell did my mom marry this idiot? I'm tired of being stuck here. He's abusive to us! Not physically, no. Not yet anyway. But this is mental abuse! He's tried to physically abuse me. In Mexico. He threw a wine glass at me. Luckily, it shattered on the floor, and didn't make it to where I was. He threw a pool bag at me though. Which did hit me. It didn't hurt, but. Fuck him. One day, he will do serious damage to us. I don't fucking care anymore though. I've been ready to die for four years. He's so immature. I hate him. I hate him. I hate my mom for ever bringing him into our lives. You don't understand how bad he is to us 75% of the time. I can't even appreciate him when he is being nice. He's shit. Last night, when he was on the phone with my mom, he was saying he was going to go kill his brother. My mom told him he would be in jail, and lose him job and all that. She told him to remember what he was down there for. He says, "Yeah. To take care of some business."
Fuck you. No you aren't.
They then started talking about my great grandma, and what I was going to decide to do in that situation, which I'll explain soon. Mom mom went outside. I didn't hear the conversation. Then, I guess he thought I was there. Who knows why. He then told me mom, "I didn't know I was talking in front of the kid!"
And hung up on her.
The kid? Fuck you. No. I'm not "the kid."
There is so much I want to say, but I need to finish up. I have to get ready to leave like, nowish.
I went to say good bye to my great grandma last night. The day I found out she would be dead in days.. Yay. She's always wanted to hear me play my violin, but I always said no. I'm too anxious to play for people. I would have felt so guilty if I didn't play for her though, so I went last night, and I played two songs for her. It made her so unbelievably happy, which made me feel great. I told grandma to call me when she died. I wanted to find out then, not when I get home to my mom. I want grandma to tell me. Anyway, yeah.. Not much to say here. Maybe sometime I'll talk about her. She's truly amazing..

What else. Oh. I'm mad. I broke to talk to my boyfriend, so he would stop freaking out so much. But I'm pissed. So many people were hoping for people to break. People purposely try. And I did. I fought so much with my boyfriend to freaking participate, and I didn't even go the whole day. Just so I could calm him down.. It was talking for a good reason, but I did the day of silence for a reason! I couldn't stand to listen to him talk bad about Kali anymore. I love her. I couldn't stand to hear him tell me all his friends agree with him. Yeah? My friends freaking agree with me as well. The fact that your friends agree with you means nothing. They aren't part of this. Nor are my friends. If they would, they would have said crap to you. Yes, I let Kali read that conversation. Whatever. Stop pulling that on me. I know what I did. I'm pissed I broke. I wanted to go all freaking day. Kali did say one thing at lunch though, so that makes me feel a little better. Whatever. I'm just, I'm so mad. I only talked so he would stop being so pissed.. I was tired of hearing how wrong I am, how shitty my BEST FRIEND is, and how the stupid day means more to me than him. Whatever. That day is freaking important to me.
I WILL do it when I'm a senior. Don't say I'll realize how dumb it is then. That people realize not to care once they are older. I'm not a little fucking kid. Don't make me feel like a kid. I hate that. More than anything. I hate when people don't think I understand. When people think I'm too young to understand, or know something. Too young to do something. Too young to hear something. Too young to realize something. Too young for fucking anything. Sure, I'm fifteen. But I'm freaking not a little kid. I'm not. Regardless of anyone's view. I'm not a fucking child. I've been through more crap that fifty year olds. I'm not stupid. I know things.
I'm just so freaking tired. I didn't even get myself out of bed until nine something. I gave up. I've given up. I don't care anymore.

Darling, I didn't mean to say any of that. I'm just beyond mad right now. I'm not mad at you at all. I swear I'm not. I'm just.. I had to let steam off, and I ended up swerving into that topic. I didn't mean it. Alright? I love you. I'm sorry. I'm just.. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so lost.

I feel like shit now for saying all this.
I'm sorry for the language. I cuss a lot when I type when I get mad. I hate cussing, but.. When I'm mad... I just.. I can't even control what I freaking flip out on. This writing is an example. I didn't mean to flip out on my boyfriend. I didn't. I'm not mad at him. I'm just so.. Mad. Mad in general. I can't control it. I want to cry. I'm.. UGH. I hate everything.. I hate being like this. I'm never mad.. I never let myself be mad. Well, I never EVER let it show that I'm mad at least.. I control it. Being mad is a horrid emotion that I hate expressing. Geesh, with all my anger right now, it makes me want to talk about everything that makes me angry. But I can't do that, or once again. I lose.

I love you. So much. I do. Please believe me. Don't be mad at me.




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