The Anonymous Writer

The Journal With No Name
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2014-04-06 21:17:35 (UTC)

Read This To Help A Girl Out

How did I deserve this?

I just wanted to be true to myself.

I swear to god, Brooke, don't you cry. You are stronger than this.

I am strange. I know that. I can have a wonderful conversation with adults and have it flow very nicely, but with children I feel like they judge me. When I talk about children I am talking about high schoolers. People who are supposed to be my age AND my friends. I just can't do it.

Well, I could on the cruise. I had an awesome time! I made some many friends. I call them the teen-tastics because I met them all at this teen remix thing the cruise had; It was so awkward that first day, I created an awful pun to describe it: Teen-tastic. We can talk about that later. There are North Carolina friends I made, a lot actually; Mormons, one was really cute; and other random people, chill people.

But my strangeness? It doesn't really register with the high schoolers. It worries me too because my friend resources are draining. I used to be so close with Bella and Esther. Now it's just Bella and Esther... and the rest of the popular gang. Those people don't like me so much anymore. At the beginning of the year I had some bad feelings they would not like me. I'm a bit pudgier than them. I'm awkward. I'm not preppy. I'm not social. However that shouldn't stop them from liking me! And for a while they didn't, but I feel it in my bones that they were waiting for a moment to dump me off their (friend)ship.

It bums me out. I'm especially depressed today about it. It's just like.. wow, I went on this cruise with AMAZING people and it felt so EASY to talk to everybody, and now here I am going back to school with barely ANY friends because of MY mistakes and faults. I wish I could just start clean with them again. I'll be fake with them like they are. I will master their craft of talking to each other like I did during middle school. I will actually stoop that low to be apart of their group again.

Also my birthday is in a few weeks, and I don't know who to invite. I'm thinking about inviting them, but is it really worth it? People like Jeff, who everybody thinks is gay due to his flamboyancy, doesn't even like me. He is one of the preppiest, friendliest people ever.(Well, he can be friendly.) He claims we had a "falling out". And I suppose we did because I don't talk to people at weeks time. (Especially after my fight with Esther, I figured that whole gang hated me.)

Ugh, I don't know what to do. My dad offered that losing some of my weight I always say I will lose and work hard to lose will help some. He just wants me to lose weight in general, but I know that will help. And I think I will do that, but it's not enough for them to welcome me with open arms.

I am actually, genuinely sad, guys. I'm not a cryer, but I think it will happen.

How I do start clean with all of these people? I really want to be friends with them. They are not bad people. It's just high school. I just need friends. I want to have fun. I thought I could be all into school and tennis, but there is more to that. I've realized that during break! Lord, help me! I'm a mess at the moment. I'm not even sure if I'm writing gibberish or what. Will somebody please help me?

Don't even say to say sorry to Esther. She is completely done with me, as told by Bella.

"You two just have two such different personality, and after the whole fight, she says she could never go back to the way that it was."

And that is proven. Every day. I can tell in her eyes that I am dead to her.
What did I do wrong?

How did I deserve this?

I just wanted to be true to myself.

I swear to god, Brooke, don't you cry. You are stronger than this.

Brooke Something

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