All that is
I ended it with my none-boyfriend about an hour ago. Before I begin, i think it's funny how I was momentarily uncertain about whether 'boyfriend' was one word or two - as in 'boy friend'..
Anyway, N and I met in early 2013 at a party, but didn't meet up again until december. straight away I knew it was different with him. he was more genuine that other guys I'd been with. Long and short of it, we saw eachother regularly for 3 months (until now) and it was good, however you get to a certain point (i.e. I do) when you want to know what you're both doing, and where it's going. I'm 24, turning 25 this summer. He's 21 turning 22 in August. Enough said I suppose. I want to be in a 'real' relationship - I'm ready for that. I'm ready to share myself, and it has to be all or nothing. I've been there and done the whole non-relationship thing. I was never happy with it, but I did it. Now it's different. What do I want? He's a semi professional athlete. Devotes his entire time to it so discipline, and I love it - don't want hi I had no issues with that - it's just the times inbetween - when I don't hear from him and I feel neither here nor there.
So it was the oxbridge boatrace today. He came over, I cooked dinner. We ate, it was pleasant. We retired to my room where we fucked and fooled around for 2 hours, after which he had to leave as he has to be up and in the water at 5.30am tomorrow. All the while I knew that this had to be the last time I'd see him for a while - he was behind me, and I thought of harvey specter's reference to 'victory sex'. this wasn't victory sex per se, but it was sex whilst withholding information that would give you the upper hand. I'm going to thailand next week for a hol and he's off to spain for a week. i knew I had to have the chat - or just slip it out there casually. I also knew this was it, as the sex wasn't as great as it was usually. I didn't get wet for him at all. I did so eventually but I think I chose the wrong time - we walking to the station and about half way through, I say so, N, I don't think we should see eachother any more, I think we should jjust be friends, and he sort of semi smiled and said 'yea?' and I said yea, then his expression began to look more serious and he said 'well why are you saying this now? You've not given me an opportunity to say anything...' at which I thought, 'he's right' if you're going to end it with someone, regardless of how long or not serious it was, it's respectful to do it in a way that shows you care whether they'll have anything to say. I did plan it to an extent though, I wanted to be in control - to have him come to my neck of the woods, to deliver the message, and for him to be the one taking the train ride home and not me. Perhaps i did it a little too much? We talked and he said 'is that what you think' (that we shoudld just be frieds) and I said yea it hink thats what best for both of us and i think that's what you want. and he said 'why do you think that' and I said ' well it feels like we don't speak for days sometimes, and i'm not that important and it feels like it's a little one sided ... (getting emotional slightly), ' then he said so because I don't text you every single day...' and I said no, not because of that but because when you date someone, you wnat it to lead somewhere and i like you and I don't know if you like me as much as I like you and whether I'm just someone you use to fill up the time..then i choked slightly and trailed off, my eyes welling up. At this point we'd reached the station so we stood there staring at each other. then he said 'I get the impression that you think that Im using you, and if that's what you think, I'm going to be really pissed off...' and I stopped him and said no, that's not what I think, I'm saying that when you're dating someone, you want it to lead some where, but I don't feel like you do...do you? What do you want?' I asked him staring him in the eyes. and he said 'I already told you' and as i don't recall him telling anything explicitly, I ask again - 'what do you want' then he said 'I told you this the other day when you lumped that question on me, that i don't want a relationship, and I knew you didn't like it was obvious you didn't like it. and then when I texted you the other day, you were being really blank like you just said 'i'm going to bed' so I could it's annoying you. I didn't say anything. He was right about all of that. Then I said 'I still want to be friends with you, i really like you...' Then he said you can message me or text me if you want, but... that's it, I'm just gonna go and that's it, we're not gonna talk anymore...' then I stood there looking at him and he at me. And he said 'ok..' and I sort gesture for a hug and he (the teeniest bit reluctantly) hugs me, but doesn't look at me as we pull away - he just walks off. I turn around to look at him (many times) seeing whether he does the same but he doesn't. I walk off feeling like shit. I feel guilty about the way in which i brought it up. he was right, i should have done it at a time when we could both speak. I guess i could be accused of cowardice, slightly. I had an idea in my mind of how it would go - the conversation that is. And I suppose by telling him on my terms, on his way to the station from seeing me, that gave me the upper hand, and him little time to say anything that could hurt me - and that wouldn't be hard to do. I almost rushed it. I felt guilty about that.... He seemed pissed off. I wonder whether at me or at the time I'd chosen? he kept saying 'fine' 'that's that then..' in a huffy way. I also felt slightly hurt but also relieved because that was the first time I heard him say explicitly that he didn't want a relationship. Which affirmed my decision. So I knew I was doing the right thing.
All things considered, I know I did good.