Vanilla

Mathias.

aRGGGHGHHGH Why. WHY WHY. Its been what...a month and a half that I dated this guy And somehow I managed to like him. How? When? I don’t fuking know. But it sucks. This sucks. I stayed over at his…and the next day he went cold on me. Typical eh. I read about these things…but never thought this would happen to me. Not that Im special or anything…but I don’t know..its not like I slept with him..we did a lil bit…but that’s it. Or maybe it’s the fact that he only wanted one thing and I didn’t give it so he fuked off?...

…Rejection hurts..like a bitch. Especially since he was just …Meant to be the total opposite of what I go for. Smart, intelligent, geeky, mixed race, tall, into all these random stuff like judo etc. But mainly geeky, actually wants a relationship, religious, great career etc. But nope turns out that makes no difference. I am…hung up on him. Yes I will get over it and whatever but a part of me is like…this is it…If there was meant to be any nice guys out in the world..it was him…but I screwed it up…because I’m broken and mentally destroyed. Hes normal Im not. Doesn’t even matter anymore…I just hate that I let myself open up a little I knew the repercussions of this disease called catching slight feelings. Its just…I let myself get carried away…not even that much. Heck I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s the sting of betrayal and rejection. It doesn’t hurt but it makes me think WOW just WOW. Again and again and again and again and again. Same shit different guy. I don’t even know what I want from him anymore…I just wanted to believe that image. I know I said I would never let myself feel or be deluded by the idea that love exists…but I wanted to feel it…with him. Just feel it once. Just have that whirlwind romance, just be crazy and not think of anything or the results, just be so caught up in this wind…for just a little while before I hit and crash into reality. It was just getting started and it ended…why does everything always end?...I wish…he would make this better but he cant. All he can say is “its unfortunate that you messed up with my flatmate…because I still like you.”…wtf am I meant to do with that? I don’t even know what I did to his flatmate apart from ask for a glass of water in the morning….being mindless drunk is evidently getting me no where. I thnk that’s the thing…the guilt that I was so hell bent on damaging and ruining everything that I did it anyway. Kept looking for everything that could be wrong…kept trying to find the bad in him..kept trying to find something to ruin it. Well here you go I hope you happy.