Experienced Life
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2014-03-31 22:21:49 (UTC)

House cleaning....soul cleaning

Friends have been asking me how I seem to be able to cope with the kiddos being gone. So I guess I sort of need to say what I do to cope and how I keep from going insane. First of all, I'm no different from anyone. I haven't been taught by Shao Lin monks or anyone special. I've walked the same path many have walked thru. People just seem to think they walk alone on this ugly path. They just don't realize many of us walk thru this same path. It just seems like you are the alone and no instructions on how to get thru.

Well, here goes. How to stay sane when the world just doesn't seem to agree with you. Lets start with the last event which was just a couple week ago. When I got home from a hard days work, I opened the garage door with the remote. I don't use a key. I saw the kiddos bikes were gone. First thing I thought was "oh no". I walked thru the garage door and entered the house only to confirm once again it was a hurried move. They moved out while I was at work. I still don't know to this day why the ex does this. I said before that if is taking off with the kids, then do it like a normal person would. Just say you are taking the kids out of State and for me not to be home. This way, I could at least say my goodbyes to the kids. But no, this is one of the many things my ex never did.

Once I entered the house, I knew my life changed once again. So I tried my best to clean areas of the house that I would frequent a lot. In general, the kitchen and bathroom. I don't know why but having a messy house only makes it more depressing. So that's what I did. Washed the dishes, cleaned out the fridge of all the kids food and other things that I don't eat and toys that I can see.

In the common areas, I got rid of all the things I could that would remind me of the kids. Anything and everything gets thrown out because one little nerf bullet or kid's ear rings can just tug at your heart. Food that the kids eat gets thrown out asap too. You don't want to see stuff like this.

I finally got around to vacuuming the kids rooms and cleaning it out today too. I had just closed the doors previously because I didn't have the strength to deal with it yet. I finally did today and it's almost all done now. I'm getting rid of the toys. My friends are already asking if I'm giving away any. Forgot thats what I did last time. lol

I did my laundry today too. Somehow someway some of the kids clothes were in there too. Threw them away. Do not and I repeat do not keep anything that will tug at your heart or soul. It's not healthy and it will only mess with your head.

I had a table set up for my Son that is behind in his English reading/writing. We used it specifically for him when and the tutor I hired. So today, I grabbed all the books, flash cards, notes, etc and threw those away too.

Today was a little cold so I grabbed my jacket. Inside was my little girl's ear rings. I forgotten that she asked me to hold it for her one time. Threw those away also.

So there isn't much too it. Keep your home clean. It makes a big difference. Get rid of anything that will remind you of the kiddos. I'm low on funds but I'll be joining the gym probably next month. Worked before anyway. And for those lazier days, some alcohol like wine helps a little.

Try to stay positive. Put in extra hrs at work since you don't have anything to come home to anyway. May as well be a little productive. Spend more time with friends. Good thing I have lots of those. I even put in a little more time on my hobby. For me, that's darts. Dart league is usually a once a week thing. Well, now I'm going to two a week.

Remember that your actions now (speaking to myself) is what people will see. If I stay positive, you get positive feedback from your friends and people in general. If you are in a pissy mood because of all this, no one will want to hang out with you. I guess this is one of my better traits and been fortunate enough to be surrounded by great friends.

I still don't know what my goals are now. I'm sort of just going with the flow. I'll figure that out later I guess. Just keeping my sanity should be priority one for now.

The universe is large and vast. There are many things to experience. All this can be limited with what you put in your mind. Try to keep your mind filled with good things. The universe is only limited by your mind. I know I'm babbling again pretty much. Still trying to work on this issue. It's hard having to fight every time for my sanity. I hope one day this gets easier. Feels like I've been fighting all my life.