Mind Over Matter
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2014-03-22 16:12:51 (UTC)

My Own Worst Enemy

I almost slit my wrists 2 days ago. I wrote the letter, I had the razor blade. I think that was the closest that I have ever come to actually following through with it. I made slices on my chest, and even on my wrist right near my vein (going the long way of course), just to show myself that it really wouldn't hurt that badly, and then finally the pain would be gone. As badly as I wanted to cut deeply into both wrists and let the poison that is my blood spill from my veins, leaving my body in the same condition as my soul-cold and dead, I could not find the courage. Suicide may be selfish, but it is surely not 'the coward's way out', as many assume. Even though I am still convinced that my end would make many lives much easier, I still cannot seem to make that cut just a quarter of an inch to the right of the 'test mark'. Sounds perfectly simple, but it's not. It never is.
I wish that I could be simple. I have always over-complicated, and over-analyzed everything and everyone, and it has never had a positive outcome. During my selfish and angry tantrums, I will say anything to hurt someone. Anything. Stooping to your worst in order to tear down what you love the most is probably one of the worst things that you can do, and I am more than guilty of it on several occasions. Knowing that I have deliberately caused my greatest love the greatest pain is something I live with every day. It eats away at my insides as one would imagine acid melts flesh from bones. It's burning and excruciating, and what is worse is knowing I made someone I care about feel this way, too and I cannot take back what has already happened. That makes me wish for the air to escape my lungs for good.
I have been given another chance though. I am taking responsibility for my life and my actions. I am taking control of who I want to be. I no longer want to be my own worst enemy. I no longer want to destroy everything that I touch. I want to be that person who brings light and love to people. I owe it to so many. I owe it to myself. This could be my last chance to make this change, and I am holding onto it for dear life. This is where my story begins...

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