Mugglecat

Unabashedly Me
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2014-03-14 16:12:50 (UTC)

21st

Today I am 21 years old.

Nothing is different. No big spark of adulthood. No overpowering urge to suddenly drink now that it's legal. Nothing.

There are no notifications on FB. That kinda hurts a bit. It shouldn't but it does.

None of my friends have called or texted yet. Likely they've forgotten my birthday is today.

My parents don't seem to remember what today is either. That...really doesn't surprise me.

The only people who really seem to care or remember at all are my sisters. And they show their love by berating me for not MAKING my friends go out to do something tonight (considering three out of the five have important crap to do tonight or are out of town, not sure how well that would have worked out).

You know, I can really understand the people who completely give up birthdays. I mean even with small expectations I always seem to get screwed on this day. I don't want a big party or a bunch of presents. All I want is a few 'happy birthdays', a reminder that people actually know I exist when I'm not with them.

I want to give up birthdays. To expect nothing. To take nothing. It is, at the base of it all, a meaningless day.

But if I give them up, I have to explain myself. Very few people remember my birthday without some prodding but if I suddenly say I don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore, hell will undoubtedly break loose. Why? Because then the family has a point to prove. And Mom, lovely, lovely Mother, will turn her guilt into my guilt. Because how dare I make her feel like a bad mother for giving up celebrating a birthday...nobody celebrates. *insert dubious face here*

I don't know. I'm just depressed at the moment for a variety of reasons. Have been for days. This day has just put another nail in the coffin lid. It doesn't help that my hormones have just been unleashed.

I lied. I want something. I want somebody else to take over my life for a day. I want to be able to lay on a bed and feel like crap allllll day. I want to be a little pile of misery and emotional outbursts. Why? Because I never get to do that. I never get to wallow in my emotions or slump all over my bed for a day. I want to be free to say 'fuck it'.

That's what I want for my 21st birthday.

-Sincerely Jaded and Hopeless


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