My Daily Complaints
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2014-03-13 00:28:13 (UTC)

what is wrong with me

I feel like I'm walking with a permanent cloud surrounding me. Everything is foggy and dark and I just feel tired. I can't focus in school and my grades reflect that. I walk around like a zombie during school. I'm annoyed by any social interaction with anyone and I feel like everyone is yelling when they are only talking normally.
We watched a video in Psychology today about a girl explaining her bipolar disorder. The lows she experiences, the depression, explained every thing I am feeling. I know these symptoms have to last for two weeks to be considered real depression and even though I don't want to feel like this for another week and a half, I kind of want to, to know this is why I feel like this.
I know it is not just because of the time shift. I know it's not because I don't get enough sleep. I know it's not because I'm running myself ragged. I'm tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I feel disgusting. Every time I look down at myself I feel sick. I look so overweight and it hurts to look. I go to the gym, I run around town, I started drinking more water, nothing helps. I can't lose weight and I feel like a huge whale. I hate skinny girls for calling themselves fat. I hate them. They don't understand what having "curves" is like. I hate when people comment on how big my butt is. They say it's a compliment, but it's not. Having a huge mound of fat attached to your body is not a good thing.
I'm starting to hate literally everything. School mostly. I even contemplated cyber-school. I hate the loud obnoxious people. I hate being ran into in the hall ways. I hate listening to lessons I don't care about. I want to be in college where I can control what I learn about and who I interact with. The one thing I don't hate is work, and that is what I used to hate the most. I feel like I belong there. With the big group of misfits I feel at home, and like I'm worth something.
I just want to feel worth it. I want my happiness and confidence to return. I need help.

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