PullMeOutTheOvenImDone

ConfessionsOfACourtesean
2014-03-10 03:55:16 (UTC)

Don, Betty, and me.

Fuck everything. I was almost done with writing a long as entry and it some how deleted. This entire day has been fucked up like that. First, Jodie ( a fellow sex worker) and I were suppose to go to a wine tasting in San Francisco. Something I was looking forward to all week. I figured she was looking forward to it too because according to David ( my former booker and her current one) Jodie doesn't have any female friends and I thought she'd be a great friend to have because I don't know any other girls who do what I do. But Jodie hasn't been answering my text and that was a huge disappointment. Also, I made my mom cry this morning because her family was coming over to see her since she's been sick ( she came back sick from her trip to FIJI) and I hate seeing her family because they love making fun of how I can't cook or speak Hindi or do anything so I told my mom I won't be staying and she started to cry because she didn't want them to see the house being a mess ( it wasn't a mess) I helped her clean while she cried about how no one cares about her and how her family is right about me and my sister being lazy so of course I left right away and I felt super guilty for leaving my crying sick mom alone. What I hate about feeling guilty is how it triggers haunting thoughts about the fictional couple from the show madmen: Don and Betty Draper. My mind haunts me with thoughts of Don and Betty whenever I feel insecure or guilty. Guilty because I have seen a lot of married men and a lot of my clients are married men and Don Draper is a married man who constantly cheated on Betty. At first it haunted me because I didn't understand why Don would cheat on Betty. She's beautiful, he loves and cares about her ( I don't care what anyone says he loved her damn it) and they have a sex life. Every married man I've been with loved their wives but didn't have a sex life with them so of course I was confused. What made Don's cheating especially sad for me was the fact that he seemed to really care about his mistresses. It would be heartbreaking to see him be so loving to Betty in one scene and then ask his mistress to go to Paris with him in another. So of course I would look through message boards and Matt Weiner ( The writer and creator of the show) interviews. According to Matt Weiner and the actors of the show, and the smarter half of the Madmen Fandom, Don's cheating was out of the scope of him loving someone and had nothing to do with Betty. It was a fundamental issue due to the fact that he grew up without a lot of nurturing so he looks for " a Mother" in other women. It makes some sense. I knew it wasn't out of entitlement because he tried not to cheat on her and he hated himself for doing it. It made sense as to why he would fall in love with some of his mistresses. They filled that motherless void for him. He also only seemed to step out on Betty when he was unhappy. Almost as if he'd sleep with the other woman when he needed his mommy. He was always much more intimate and vulnerable with them. I believed that he wished he could be that way with Betty but because their marriage was built on a lie, he couldn't let her get close to him to keep her from seeing the bullshit. I could understand this because I keep my friends and family at a distance for the same reason. So that they can't see through my lies. Of course their were less smarter madmen fans who claimed that Don never loved Betty. He was only with her to have a trophy wife because Betty wasn't lovable. According to a lot of madmen fans, Betty is an empty shell with no personality who is stupid and childish and that's why Don cheats on her with mature career women. This bothers me ALOT. One huge reason why I'm so obsessed with this couple is because Betty and I share a lot of the same flaws. Like Betty I'm childish. It's not something I believe I should apologize for. So what If I like being spoiled and taken care of. Also like Betty, my self esteem stems from being pretty. I'm scared to death of that being the only reason people would like me. I scared that people see me as a empty shell of a person. BTW, I don't see Betty as an empty shell with no personality. I thought she was sweet and charming in the first seasons. Plus she was in a sorority as Bryn Mawr who earned a degree in anthropology ( not an easy A) all while modeling all over the world. She could have lived an interesting life if she wasn't stuck being a housewife to a man who constantly cheats on her. Another thing Betty and I have in common is that we both repress our emotions. Which causes us to explode when we are pushed to the edge and we explode onto the wrong people. In Betty's case, it's her children. This is why people think she's a bitch and a bad mom. I'm told I'm a bitch too when I do this. But They are wrong. Don's cheating was never because of Betty. Their marriage was flaws of course. They loved each other in a superficial way. They didn't really know each other or were ever intimate with each other and as much as they loved the image of being this perfect family, they were dissatisfied with their lives. Betty was dissatisfied because she's wasting her potential living a limited life as housewife, She takes this dissatisfaction out on her children and represses it from her husband who wonders why she's unhappy. They don't really talk about these things. Don is unhappy because everything he has is built on this fake identity. He's lying every single day of his life. But he's happy to be married to Betty and even though he neglects and manipulates her ( to keep her from figuring out his lie) he's also caring and affectionate with her. Betty is definitely not the cause of Don's unhappiness. Not only does Don cheat on his girlfriend( after his divorce from Betty) Faye with his secretary Megan, he also purposes to Megan while he's still with Faye. And even though he tells Megan everything about his past, he still cheats on her with their neighbor who he falls in love with. He also cheats on Megan with Betty. So basically, Don is a man who cannot keep it in his pants due to some deep seeded mommy issues. I keep having to remind myself that the married men I've seen are NOT Don Draper. They cheat simply to fill a sexual void. That's it. And that as flawed as Don's marriage to Betty was, and as flawed as Betty is, nothing she did or didn't do would have kept him from cheating and he did love her despite the fact that he had feelings for his mistresses too. I get the reason why I feel this way. God is punishing me. By me feeling so sad and sorry for Betty when Don cheats on her is God's way of saying, " What if your clients' wives were betty Draper?" In other words, what if their wives were like you? I realized that the only reason why I feel this strong connection to Betty is because she's my flaws personified into a character. And to see another character who I also relate to betray her, is painful to watch. I mean, Don cheating on Megan didn't bother me one bit. But that's mostly because it's proof that Betty wasn't the problem and I can't relate to Megan the way I do with Betty. It's annoying to have a fictional character haunt my mind the way it does but I understand why. I've been obsessing over their relationship since 2011. Hopefully when they show officially ends this year, It won't bother me. I know I mentioned in my first entry that I would go over why I do what I do but I'll save that for next time. I'm really relieved to have gotten this out of my mind. It won't haunt me. At least for today.




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