"Young Volcanoes" by Fall Out Boy
March 3, 2014 Monday 8:03 PM
So the stupidest thing happened to me. Last wednesday, I went to the bathroom at school before first period. I was worried because it felt like some period blood was leakin' through my panties and being the idiot I am, my phone was in my back pocket.
Longish story short, it fell into the toilet. I got a monitor, she gave me gloves, I couldn't get it out because of that little depression in the porcelain at the bottom of the toilet bowl. My phone fit into it perfectly and therefore would not come out. The automatic flush sent it away, and that's how I lost my phone.
I went into an art teacher's room to call my parents. Not just any art teach... Mr. Sandwich. His name is a kind of sandwich... Wellll.... No.... I dunno. Anyway, he is friends with Ethan and my sister which made my extreme anxiety worse. He asked me about my sister and I told him how she was in Costa Rica but I was really flighty... My eyes were darting everywhere, I seemed rushed and unfriendly... The effects of my anxiety.
I called my parents. Mom yelled at me and gave the phone to dad so she could go to the hospital for work. Dad tried calming me down but I don't think he coukd tell that I couldn't breathe.
It got worse. The bell rang and Mr. Sandwich's room filled with tenth grade students. I then had a panic attack. That's when it began.
It all slammed into me at once:
- I had just flushed my new iphone down the toilet
- I'm paying for that bill.... I'm paying for this shit. I practically flushed three hundred dollars down the toilet.
- my friends kept making fun of me saying that I was oblivious when it came to my phone which is true and made me feel stupid.
- I'm stupid
- Mr. Sandwich probably thinks I'm crying over my phone. Compared to Caroline, I am not awesome to him.
- I was crying and couldn't stop
- I'm really ugly when I cry
- I felt like I was having a heart attack and I had no hope
- The prospect of showing up late to Geometry while crying made breathing even harder
- Dad kept telling me to go back to class
- I was so embarrassed
- my period was really heavy too which makes things worse
Everything slammed into me so hard.
It's kind of a funny story but right now I'm still embarrassed. Sometimes it comes to mind and I laugh but most of the time I panic.
A monitor had to bring me down to the nurse after I convinced my dad to come get me. It took awhile because I couldn't control my breathing. People saw me. Ew.
This also made me realize... I'VE BEEN HAVING PANIC ATTACKS MY WHOLE LIFE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE. ANXIETY IS EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH ME. ANXIETY IS WHAT MAKES IT SO I CAN'T LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYE FOR MORE THAN A SECOND.
ANXIETY HINDERS MY SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT.
ANXIETY MADE ME DEPRESSED.
ANXIETY MADE ME CUT.
ANXIETY CAUSED MY MOOD SWINGS AND MADE THEM APPEAR MANIC/DEPRESSIVE.
WHEN MY ANXIETY IS LOW, I'M HAPPY AND FREE. WHEN IT'S HIGH, I GET SAD AND ISOLATE MYSELF.
ANXIETY IS THE ROOT TO ALL MY PROBLEMS.
ANXIETY MAKES ME AFRAID OF MY OWN FRIENDS.
my own friends.
My own family.
I wish upon a star with all my heart. Maybe my friends would understand me and help me if I told them about my issues.... But i'm scared. Scared of what?
Scared they will:
-be weirded out
- be all like, "ummmm too much info"
- not help at all
I'm also sad. My panic attack shot me into a grave. I'm climbing out but healing is slow because I'm so sensitive to everything around me.
I've fought with my parents a lot this weekend. That also set me back.
It's just... My dad thinks I hate myself but I don't. I honest to GOD do not hate myself! But I'm very sensitive. One mistake can change all that. One mistake can make me feel like nothing so I'm just trying to heal from my last mistake until my mental skin is thick enough to withstand things.
When people tried to make eye contact with me today, I stared at the ground.
I slid backwards. I think last week I could kinda hold eye contact.
I want love. More than that, I want real friendship. Like, with my friends. Somehow I feel so outside because I never let anyone come to my house and when I talk about myself I feel guilty.
And they don't know how I am inside so it's not like they can help.
Which of course results in me feeling alone.
You know, I read books and watch shows where I see best friends and they don't hold back information from each other. I always wonder, " how do they do that?"
I'm seriously considering talking to a friend about how I've been feeling but I haven't the slightest clue HOW and I don't know who. My mind immediately eliminates everyone.
Not Aaron because she has Trey and Laney.
Not Laney because she if best friends with Aaron and I don't know if she would even want the information in my head.
Not Sam because she is best friends with Kiana and I feel like she would be very cool about it but again, I feel too awkward.
And finally, not Lily because she has Drew and I think I abused our friendship last year when I was depressed. Also .... Even though I also feel she would be cool with it I'm just fucking scared.
I think I need someone to force me to say it. That wouldn't be possible, though, because people can't read minds.
I wonder if I act depressed will Lily worry and maybe she would remember my diary on here and check? Maybe if I start limiting my food intake because I'm 115 pounds and I want back to 110.
No. No, I can't do any of this.
I'm smiling because I'm thinking about how I fucking dropped my phone down a toilet and it got flushed, ahhaa!
But then I get sad again because I feel alone.
As always, thoug, right?
Goodnight, New York! And other places! I feel okay other than lonely. At the same time, I'm going to laugh a lot between now and ten. See ya.
PS: Dear Future Self,
Please tell me you have gotten over that pathetic vulnerability phobia you have. So cheesy of us to have it, eh? If you haven't gotten over it, please, for me and for you and for us (which is like saying for peanut butter, peanutbutter, and peanut butters) TAKE THE CHANCE and choose a worthy friend to open up to. If they stab you in the heart by accident when they (if they) accidently reject you (or on purpose), it will probably take you years to recover but no pressure!
- Present Veronica. No not you, the Veronica from NOW!!! you know, March third, 2014, Monday, 8:42 PM? OK BYE
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