Unabashedly Me
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2014-02-25 16:34:14 (UTC)

Judge You

I am beginning to really not like my dad. I don't know if he's just angry with me all the time, going through a mid-life crisis (for ten years) or what. But he gets angry over the littlest things. And he's so judgmental, it's suffocating. If I say anything (ANYTHING) he doesn't like, he'll snap at me in the most...illogical way.

For example:

He commented that he was looking into getting one of those big AC units (the kind that hotels put in).

I pointed out that if we had one installed we'd have to take a huge chunk out of his bedroom wall. If we did that and the AC broke (not unlikely given how many we usually break in a year), we'd have a huge empty hole in the wall. Then I said something along the lines of 'it'll be two years before we get around to fixing THAT'.

(Okay, maybe that wasn't exactly lighthearted. But it was the truth, in my opinion. My family is horrible about following through with things, especially things to do with the house. My mom bought a $300 gazebo (a freaking gazebo!) and let it rot in its box in the garage for two years. We bought all the equipment for a pool about five years ago...we don't have a pool. We started renovating the second bathroom seven years ago...still renovating. There is a big freaking hole in my parents bedroom (made to get to electric wires or something) and its been there for at least a year. To say a big hole wouldn't even be glanced at for two years isn't outside the realm of possibilities!)

Well, Daddy-O flipped a gear and spouted out something like "Listen, when you walk in our (the parents') shoes then you can fucking judge us." He looked 'this' close to popping a vein.

My first reaction: where the hell did that come from?

My second: While I was simply stating an opinion, the hell I don't get to judge you. You raised me. I've lived with you for 20 years. I GET TO FUCKING JUDGE. There are three sorts of people who get the right to judge others: parents, children, and spouses (screw that crap about walking in another's shoes. We live with you day in and day out for years (usually). We know you better than you know yourself). This is my house, I have eyes, and I know how things work around here. If you won't get around to emptying your coffee grounds for weeks at a time, yeah, I really freaking dubious about your ability to pull off something like filling in a huge hole in your wall! You haven't even fixed the one in your ceiling!

And lately he's been getting 'judgmental' (oooooooh, hypocritical, daddy) about how I teach Ninja. Let me lay it down for you.

Ninja is home this year from school, being taught online at a public school. In the beginning, Mom, Dad, and I agreed (all three) to take an active part in this little schooling thing (Mom would take Math, Science, Writing. Dad PE, Social Studies and Art. Me everything else because I'm not employed or in school this year).

I got royally screwed.

Mom, workaholic that she is, goes to work at 6 and gets home usually around seven or eight at night (at six Ninja is unconscious, at 7-8 he's not going to want to do any sort of school work). On weekends, she's more concerned with cleaning the dishes than teaching her son. Fine, whatever, not totally surprising.

Dad does nothing. Not because of work. There are a few reasons: I do nothing else so he really doesn't see the point in chipping in on his days off. Night shifts are hard (boo freaking hoo)! It's not a family undertaking (Mom isn't doing it and gets away with it so he can too). Teaching is woman's work in his mind. And he simply doesn't want to put forth the effort.

God forbid he should keep his word.

Fine, whatever, abandon me.

Oh, NO. He wouldn't dare do that.

No, he tromped through during school time and just distracts Mason over the stupidest things (do we want hotdogs for dinner?, have I seen his screwdriver?, can someone help him with a cord?, etc.) For a kid that almost flunked out of school because he can't focus, this is like sticking a wrench in a cog. It's almost impossible to get him back into school mode after that.

He constantly gets in a pissing contest with me over who has more authority over Ninja during school time: the teacher or the parent? What the hell?! Seriously, you want to frazzle the kid and then tell him "Nah, man. You don't have to listen to her if I say so." It's school. The teacher is God (at least she/he was when I was in school). Would you stomp down to school and do the same shit to Mrs. Applegate or whatever? Hell no. That isn't your territory, right? Well, this room for the next few hours, is my territory? Ninja is my student. He's your son but he's mine for the next few hours. Live with it and back the fuck off.

And thanks to all this shit, Ninja and I are behind in his school work. Shocker! Of course, it's all on me because, hey, I'm the only one who actually kept up her part of the bargain (and everyone else's). So, now Daddy-O gets to judge me about every little thing I do.

"Nine is pretty late to start school?" "Yeah, well, you started a movie for him at seven, before I woke up. Dragging him away early is like acid on a flower."

"You're so far behind and you want to start him off with Art?" "Yes, Dad. He likes Art. Art makes him happy and relaxed. It's easier to slide him into the school mindset with Art. And Art (amazingly) is a school lesson that takes about twenty minutes."

"Don't you think he should be starting work now instead of showering?" "He hasn't had a shower in four days. I think I can put in an extra twenty minutes at the end of our day."

"Are you starting a movie? Really???" "-_- No, Dad. This a piece of the movie Sarah, Plain and Tall, which Ninja is reading. I'm giving him a picture of what the characters might look or sound like. Five minutes of relevant media. Sue me."

It just goes on and on. If you completely dropped your part in this little endeavor, you don't get a fucking say in what I do or how I do it. At least not to that point. Until you try to teach your kid, you don't know. You don't know that he will burst into tears if you push him too fast. You don't know that it takes him twenty minutes to write a sentence sometimes. You don't know how hard I push him without sending him over the edge. You don't know how much he hates school. And you don't know how hard you're making it for us.

If Ninja didn't depend on me, I would have given up by now. Dropped it and left. It's that bad. But the kid does. I'm the only one willing to try FOR him. If I left, the parents would throw him back in public school and fuck up his mind even more.

What does it say that the biggest obstacle in my brother's way is his family?