Complaining about shit
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Four Days 2/24/14
It's about 4:30am right now on Monday. I went to my uncle house four days ago. He's here. The guy with the kids and wife that I kinda slept with and thought I was pregnant by.....that's funny that I even thought that in the first place. He didn't even actually put his penis in me..well anyway. He actually picked me up from my house. I was a little happy about that I guess...I kinda don't know what I feel for him. So I tested myself and just kissed him quick on the lips. I can't lie, It was nice. Even thought it was quick.
No. That's not it. I love him but it's not as strong as it use to be but I thought to myself. If I can't find a guy who gives me the feeling I have for him. It'll be impossible for me to love another man. It's fine thought. I know I'm nothing to him but I still want to hug and kiss him and just touch him in general. As long as I'm not around him I don't have to worry about this feeling. I'll miss him when he leaves. The reason I can't seem to whole heartly fall for a guy is because of this isn't it? Why am I having such a hard time getting over him? I don't understand.
I came in my period after a whole year....lol. Isn't that ironic? I'm glad it's here but also I'm pissed about it. Even so I've been restraining myself with all my might. I've taking several pictures of him and a few recordings. He's not the most good looking guy in the world but he isn't all that bad liking either. He's a whore but he's also a family man. He works diligently and mostly without complaint. He's the sweetest asshole I've ever met. At the end of the day no matter what he's done it's back to his wife and family. He's funny. About 75% of the time he actually listens to what I'm saying.
It's been about 12 years now. I still remember the first time I met him. It was at my grandmama church. He'd come over to play yugioh with my uncle and I was looking straight up like a hot mess. All I could do was watch him from outside the door...smh. It was kinda my first time seeing a guy other then my brothers and uncle up close. So u was extra shy. I mean I'd seem boys but he just had something they didn't. Ah well I doubt he remembers that thought.
The past four days have been filled with several realizations. I love him but it's not as strong as it use to be. I truly am nothing to him (friend?) but a play thing for when he's away from home. Even thought the feelings of love has gone down quite a bit, it's still there and that it's what's hindering my heart from falling in love with another guy and that I'm a truly disgusting person.
These past four days have also been filled with and abundance of laughs. I laughed so hard that I fainted, twice. I've bonded even closer to my friends and I love them all.
To be honest. I dislike this part of myself that has this longing to be embraced by someone. I want that someone to actually hold me tight, bit with lose arms like him. But acording to what everyone else tells me I can't get "love" because it's not what I need. This is why I want to cut these stupid feelings out. I want them gone so bad. I hate this.