Vanilla

No Silver linings - Feeling very very down.

I cant help it.

I cant help looking at other peoples lives and thinking how completely different my life is. All my worries are pretty much nothing to other people because they are supported, comfortable, loved and ok. I on the other hand am not.

This sucks, I havnt cried in a long time but today I feel to, except the tears wont come out. Im sick of struggling, Im sick of trying. Why does everyone get everything they want and Im left here just trying so desperately hard to constantly prove myself. I dont like being miserable and complaining or being negative but I feel so fuking low. I have absolutely nothing going on for me in my life right now and all my efforts just went down the drain.

I feel so alone. The more im not busy the more i realize the little I have in my life. And I HATE it, I hate thinking about it. But all I have is time right now to think about everything I dont have. I just sit here day after day now feeling miserable.

Im really not asking for alot. Im not asking for love anymore or support or care just a stable career so I can take care of myself- in return im willing to put in the hard work and dedication even if that means working all day and night. Because ive pretty much failed at everything else in life I just cant keep living in poverty like this. I have nothing...all I have is my education and even that right now is just not fuking working for me. Its like I just dont get a chance to rely on anything. This means alot to me, this is the only thing that matters to me now...and Im not getting it. Im putting in the hours, im trying, im improving, self learning even but nothing.

Its worse now that I am older because I am not allowed to be weak or fall.

I dont know what to do anymore.

V is pretty much gone...because He's obviously done with me, I have him what he wanted right now time to fuck off for him and I cant really even talk to him even though I think about him because I regret what I did...I didnt like it..I wasnt happy and having sex with him has triggered this low feeling in me.

I feel so alone in everything Im going through right now...probably because I am alone.

Please...if there is anything out there...please just help me... guide me...because I dont no how much more I can beleive in myself.