The Real Me
2014-02-15 16:34:01 (UTC)

Last, today the dread.

I had sex with V last night, it left me feeling shit. I left at 3am to go home mainly because he came out with the following line once we were done "so what do you want to do now? do you want to go home, as ive got to wake up at 8am, if you don't mind waking up with me that's fine. I would totally get it if I were you if you wanted to go home as Id want to sleep till late" which basically meant get out of my house now in the nicest way possible.

The sex was shit. It was all about him completely, he couldn't be bothered to please me much. It was so emotionless, so de attached so careless. I can expect sex to be like that with a stranger but someone Ive known for 5 years? I guess nothing should shock me anymore. So called friend. Its funny because I thought sex with M was bad in the lack of care sense, this was worse. I havnt had sex with many people so I dont know how it usually is or should be.

I need the morning after pill minus the fact that I cant get it in my area as everyone will talk so I need to find a way to get mmy hands on one. He pulled out but Im still worried its still unprotected and Im not taking any risks with a cold de-attached human being. Ironic isnt it...that I am here sitting in this dilema...having to face the embrassment of explaining why I need the morning after pill and hes there with his cousins completely fine, chilling, helping them out. He says im making this akward when we are friends. I am. I will. I dont apolagise for the way Im being. I will act and respond the way I wish to. This is MY life, MY body, MY feelings.

I know I need to cut him out now. Whats done is done I cant change what I did with him, I do sort of regret it but hey I got it out of my system this was 4 years running and we never did anything, I just thought he would care a little more this time not less. It seems to me he cared more before than he does now. I cant blame him for not giving a shit though, you either care or you dont its the way it is. I guess I cant put the lack of care in words but I know what I feel, my intuitions are never wrong so I know these assumptions arnt just from anywhere...experience has taught me to never doubt my initial thoughts because Im always spot on. Infact I think he tries to care he really does but he just doesnt.

Me? How do i feel about it all?...empty. Whats there to feel or say? I liked this guy for a year and a half he led me on for that long in the end just to turn me down when I finally went to him. Left me heartbroken and emotionally wrecked. So now I guess I dont have that much emotions towards him just blankness. A mixture of tiny emotions maybe...but sadly I cant even catogarize or recognise what they are or what they mean at all. Its easier to let go then to ever let myself feel anything for any man ever again...especially him.