Tiff

My thoughts and other stuff
2014-02-14 23:27:07 (UTC)

I can't escape my own head.

Being pregnant so young isn't what I wanted, but I'm glad it happened. I wasn't happy with the choices I was making before it happened. All I wanted before was for everything to be alright, to not be afraid anymore. I'm glad I have my baby and that he's growing safe and sound inside me but sometimes I just get this horrible feeling. A feeling of embarrassment I guess is the best way to describe it. I see the looks people give me or they give my dad and step mom when I'm with them. I feel embarrassed for them that they have to be with me. That they're stuck with me. I feel like such a burden to everyone all the time. It's stuck in my head that people only want me around because there is something they want from me and when they get it they're just going to get rid of me. Or it's all just a game to them, making me think they care is just for they're pure entertainment to watch me fall apart when they leave. My mother has burned that into my brain that that is the only reason anyone could ever want anything to do with me. I love my baby but I'm still not happy. I don't feel like myself, then again I have no clue who myself even is. This is what I mean by I can never get out of my own head, it's so hard to explain and no one understands. My mom made me on guard around everyone, I can't trust people because why would anyone want to have me in their life? What makes me so god damn special. According to my mom I'm just a druggie and a slut and that's all I'll ever be. You can't escape your past, I've accepted mine but that doesn't mean everyone else has or that the guilt from it will just magically disappear. I will always feel guilty for the things I've done and the people I hurt. Leaving was the only option left to keep me from screwing up their lives more. I left so that the people I cared about, like my brother, could be happy. All I do is cause problems to anyone's life I enter. Anyone in my life has other motives for talking to me, I hate that I think that way but I can't help it. It doesn't matter anyway, Sammy and I don't need anyone else. It's us against the world.




Ad: