February 13, 2014 Thursday 4:51 PM
There are four ways I know how to deal with my feelings. Well, no. Three and a half.
1. Drawing. Painting. Creating something in general.
3.5: talkign to people but since I don't really know how to do this it counts as half only.
Ethan's sister is dead. It's been less than an hour since she passed. I am mad at myself for crying since I didn't even know her. Not... No not ever. I never knew her.
Lily told me it was normal to feel weird since Ethan was a brother to me (was was was was where did he go its not his fault ugh thoughts go away) but... No.
I can't create anything, I'm blank. I can't cut because it feels wrong to do that, like it's disrespectful and I have nothing to say to anyone (because I'm scared like I always am, just scared).
So I write, as I always do. I write away the feelings.
I feel stupid. Why do I feel so bad if I didn't know her? Feeling bad feels disrespectful too because I didn't know her, not enough to cry (but I am. I'm crying).
This week was terrible. Monday, I found out they were stopping her treatements. Tuesday I slept the day away while I should'vd been at school, hugging and comforting my friends because of their boy troubles (its more than boy troubles because these people are losing best friends, even if they are just breaking up, its losing someone and no matter how petty 'boy troubles' sounds, you better fucking respect it. If you don't you better fucking hope you're no where near me because obviously I'm taking no shit - I will kill you with a potatoe peeler).
Wednesday there was just so much anger and sadness and I was really depressed and I cut myself for te first time in two months.
(And it felt so good... It felt so right and i wanted more)
Today she is dead and I don't know if this adds to the pile or eliminates all other problems, makes them feel like the puny painful papercuts that they are.
I wish... is it worth it? Are my wishes worth writing down? As if being typef will make them more likely to happen? Has that ever worked before?
I'll do it anyway because this, this is what I have right now. Writing.
I wish I had a friend right now. I almost wish a friend was secretly reading this diary or maybe they could sense I felt terrible and they'd help me open myself up to people and they'd open up to me (because if its just me who's opening up, I will shut myself again and never come out).
I was terrible. Dumped all my issues on them. I never wanted to do that again. I never want to do that again. But now... I don't remember how to risk myself.
When I rock climb, I'm practically fearless. I leap because I know nothing is worth it if I don't. But in life it's so much harder.
Everything is so much harder.
I feel sooo stupid for feeling bad. Because when I look back at mydepressed self, I was stupidly sad, I pushed myself to be sad and. I'd hold myself down
So now whenever I feel something that isn't humor or happiness, I feel like the most pointless person in the world.
One pointless person.
This writinhas helped. But I will cut. Maybe later .
Wow. Moments like these reminds me why people believe in God. It's depressing to know that there is nothing past death. It wouldn't even BE death if it weren't an end to life.
She doesn't exist anymore. She's lost. Her future stolen.
I remember we would kinda walk to school together when I was really little, back when Dad still walked me.
I saw a picture of her on facebook wit Ethan and a slap in the face reminded me that I was there when that picture was taken,
It was prom 2012. Ethan and Caroline went together and I remember me and my neughbor Nora (i dont remember what i called her on here) were there, talkign to Caroline or someing and I watched as Ethan posed with his sister and then they took the picture.
I was there. That made me cry for some reason.
Goodbye for now. I feel stupid for feelings. Hoenstly, I few life with humor but right now all I see is darkness.