"Eloise" by Say Anything
You never meant the much to me
Baby please, let go my Eloise
Let it bleed, let it freeze and fall apart in front of me
You took the world from me
(So now I feel like a child again)
Just a bloody bandaid
That's all I ever really was to you Eloise
(So now I feel like a child again)
February 12, 2014 Wednesday 4:09 PM
So now I feel like a child again.
I'm so depressed. Nowhere near "I want to kill myself" thoughts but nowhere close to feeling like I am worth anything.
I've been trying hard to get close to people, I have. I had an appointment with Pat on Monday. She told me I seemed to have issues with being vulnerable/intimacy because when I had my panic attack last week, my mom was trying to comfort me (rubbing my back, etc.) and I just went upstairs since it made me uncomfortable for some reason.
She said it might be normal in other situations but I should've been okay with it seeing as how it's my own mother AND I'm close to her.
Plus when I told her I was crushing (I still haven't told her about this summer and what happened and get your lips off mine stop stop stop stOP) on someone I kept going
"ugh EW ugh ahh" and twitching around because it made me uncomfortable. LOL.
She wants me to try and be vulnerable with my friends.
I realized I don't trust them. I was telling Pat, "My friends are amazing and I trust them with everything..." which is when I realized I don't trust them, even though I know I can trust them.
THIS IS TERRIBLE AND SO SO SO SO HARD.
I tried getting closer to them yesterday by comforting them and telling them they were beautiful and whatnot but then today, I completely recoiled.
I want to curl into a ball and cry forever. Not anxious/depressed enough to go crazy and abstract (crazymoods is what I used to call them) but it hurts.
I want to cut. I want to cut. cut cut. cut. I think I;m going to cut.
I have to. No one will know, no one will see. I have to. I cant. But I have to.
Anyway, they asked me what was wrong and I said I was fine, just tired because who ever tells the truth?
Aaron and Lily are really angry with Laney's boyfriend who I am going to call Jason since he's not actually Laney's boyfriend anymore.
I'm not angry with him. Well, kinda but mostly not because he already has all these people super mad at him (not just Aaron and Lily) and I don't think Laney really needs me to hate him. Or I hope not.
I have no idea how to feel about this. He broke up with her and Aaron found out it was because he still loves his ex-girlfriend (lol WHAT A SURPRISE, haha life is cliche)
but he did break up with her, he didn't cheat. And he didn't lead her on... right? I don't know. I just don't know.
Yes, I still kind of like him. Not really him. More like the idea of him. The bits and pieces I've seen, I really really like. But then stuff like this happens and I just...
Whatever. He's not why I'm depressed. Right now, I could care less about Jason (ew why that name, JAson is like my least favorite name ever).
I feel so cut apart. I feel like Laney and Aaron know more about what happened with Lily and her boyfriend than I do, I feel like I know nothing. Gillian knows more too.
I feel more alone than ever. This is terrible. I'm going to go. I'm going to head upstairs where I will cry and listen to music until I have to do homework.
I'm desperate enough to maybe pray to God. Even though we created "him". He's not real. Just another dream meant to be broken. Just another idea waiting to be starved.
Just another me. Paper-thin personality and weirdly invisible and it's my own fault but I don't knwo how to change. I wish my friends new. I really do.
I wish they knew so I wouldn't have to cry alone. I'm stupid. I shouldn't even be sad. It's not me who got dumped, or rejected or whatever.
It's not me. It's never me. So why does it feel like I'm constantly just slapped in the face by life? I'm not. I'm not not not not not.
I need blood. The blood. Cut. It hurts.
The worst part is with every atom of my being, I'm wishing for a friend that could open me up and with every atom of my being I know that won't happen.
Bad things don't happen to me. But neither do good things.