The Real Me
2014-02-12 01:51:13 (UTC)


Ok I need to right this all down....everything that has been happening in the past few months so one day I can look back and LEARN from my mistakes.

Job as Executive PA and Marketing Assistant- I got fired. Antonio my CEO finally let me go and here's the worst part he let me go in such a way..he lied, he made it all up. I don't know how our communication got so bad, how it got this bad that he couldn't even look me in the eye and honestly say he was being fair, he just lied and at that point I couldnt even be bothered to explain, he made is mind up, like really? after all that this is how you want to do me? I knew there and then I had lost there was no winning with him, this was the last fight I didnt want to fight. And I know he wasn't trying to bully me...I actually dont know what he was trying to do. But why say stuff like "you cant talk to me like that Im not your bf" why say "you shouldnt have left a min after me everyone probably thought you came home with me" ahhh Im so stupid....ofcourse there was something there..I know it. How could there not be? but then why would he be so cold to me one day and then the next say weird things?? I dont know. This is too confusing...because as far as im concerned why would he hate someone for no reason? its either love or hate...Ican never make sense of it.

Ive had 3 guys at work hit on me. I ended up stupidly getting drunk and kissing one of the guys- Jonathon, the other 2 I told them I couldnt do anything with them because Antonio wouldnt be happy obviously it was because I didnt fancy them...didnt fancy anyone really. I was just happy to be in a high position job at my age...minus crappy CEO I did get a bit of power.

Last month I ended up having my first 1 night stand and it was the worst most embarasing feeling ever, I got drunk and woke up in his bed realizing that I had just screwed someone I dont even like. Fun. It was with Jonathon the guy I kissed at work..argh so glad Im not in that company anymore. But wow that walk of shame to get home from north london as well.


How did I end up talking to V again?I honestly dont even know how this re started. I mean I spoke to him once every few months maybe? When I was with M i barely spoke to V and I barely spoke after me and M broke p....I cant beleive its been omg...2 years since me and M broke up? that cant be?! ....thats a long long time...Ive been single for 2 years?..I need to work this out ...May 2012 found out M cheated...October 2012 I broke up with him. Oh its been 1 year and 4 months.

So I guess V texted me one day (2 months ago?) and I replied..we talked a little decided we should meet up and it all started from there..we have been having dinners once a week or so but it meant nothing like that...just company I guess for the both of us...I actually ended up spending nye with him too and he went in to kiss me at 12...and I moved back and actually said "oh wow this is a little akwawrd as I only see you as a friend" so I gave him a peck as a friend and that was that so I thought. Few hours later I ended up kissing him loads and that was that...I went home and we never spoke of it again and carried on acting like we were friends. Until...

This is just so emabrassing. I dont even want to write this down. So me and Jainy went out for a few drinks 3 days ago, I bumped into V, deep down I knew V would be there...and he shouted out to us and so we joined him as he was there for his friends birthday. By mid night we were somehow holding the full end of the night I ended up going back to his and we made out the whole night- just kissed and I sorta did stuff but I pretended I was on my period so he wouldnt do anything to me. During this time I was teasing him and said "ahh do you like me?" in a jokey way and he replied back saying you know I do...will you go out with me? I said no. He said thats fine and we can just be friends...In the morning he had to make an application for a job by 11, and it was 10am we were cuddling, he tells me I have to go, Im like "jheez ok well atleast drop me home!" he says "no I cant I have to do this application and then I have to host later for my friends" It was humiliating getting practically kicked out of his house and walking down the road to the tube station looking like fuck...not even offered a glass of water what a gentleman. I mean I get it he had an app to do and hes really stressed right now about jobs and stuff. But it just felt like that lack of care all over again, like he just didnt care about me, like that didnt matter, I didnt matter, everything else was extremely important...I told him Im offended later on and he did apolagise, but is what it is.

It has been playing on my mind...I mean him saying he likes me. I would have given anything to hear this 3 years ago when he broke my heart...I was broken for a year and a bit..all I know was that it was the longest heartbreak ever. M took 2 months to get over. V took THAAAT long. I was angry...I told V I never wanted to speak to him again then I cant do this again, it wouldnt end well and we cant just go back to being friends after what happened. And then somehow Ive ended up agreeing to spend this Friday with him...

..I guess Im just so confused...
when I said all those years ago that I wouldnt give up on him...that I know that I will end up with him...Its funny how things turn out.

I should go sleep I have to go to Marks business tomorrow to pick up kids...I really cant be bothered theres tubes strikes aswel and I just want to be lazy.