Vanilla

Friends or Enemies?

Everytime I read my diary I go from being highly englihtened by what Ive written in the past to extremely angry. V has caused me so much pain over the years, bloody hell. I was nuts over him. He hurt me so bad and bless my stupid brain I didnt even get it when he made a fool out of me and humiliated me completely! What am I doing now? hes not worth this. Im not obssesing over him currently and I can actually let him go at the moment but its this simple fact how the FUCK did I end up here AGAIN? As if that fire of what he did to me wasn't enough. How dare I stay here for more bulshit. Hes a no good dikhead. Hes not a friend you dumb ass idiot. Now he wants to give it a go? NOW he wants to try

AND GUESS WHO IM SPENDING VALENTINES DAY WITH. You guessed it. Someone who doesnt deserve me at all. My V. The V I stupidly as a kid tied to myself, told myself we will end up together and we will be. And now I can see we were always destined to fail because he never did and never could truley love or care for me. EVER. Its weird because (trying to be realistic and as modest as I can) I am genuinely better looking than him, most his friends like me, most people do. I mean Im not an ugly girl, im not extremely beautiful but I would say I am up there I can get a few guys...and yet I look to V to validate me. And he is someone that in the normal sense people wouldnt even consider attractive- even his personality my friends hate. And yet I see in him something that no one understands...not even myself.

In other news my job hunting is going shit. I rejected two jobs which I regret now because right now I am doing NOTHING. Its getting highly boring not working my ass off. I had future plans...of doing NOTHING. Ha. But no really...its going to bad, I mean im writing in here that clearly means I am bored as fuk. I miss Antonio...in the sense that I miss that company (job)...I wish I made him fall for me...i would still have my job if he atleast fell for me...stupid Tony. I wish I pushed him...slapped him...hit him grrr. He was definately sexually fustrated and he definately had a thing for me. Awesome. Anyways I hope the next PA he has fuks it up so badly that he realises how amazing I was and how much I did for him.

WOW. Story of my life- List of men who never appreciate what I do for them.