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"Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac
She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
February 7, 2013 Friday 1:08 PM
I don't have much time since this is my sister's computer and she's in the shower. I'm feeling a bit off today, but it was MUCH worse yesterday.
I felt ridiculous and sensitive all day.
It built up until it exploded into what I think was a panic attack around 6 PM yesterday.
Before I get to that, I want to mention that my, ughhh, crush... IDK.
I felt his heartbeat yesterday. I would explain but I'd rather not remember. It was nice but I just can't deal with this. I don't see a future anyway. He's dating Laney haha. And I kept encouraging her to let him kiss her.
It's like their relationship is separate from my UNREASONABLE crush. I'm not jealous or envious of them, although it hurts sometimes because I am just so alone in this world and when I'm weak, it catches up to me. I'm trying to catch my breath because all I do in life is run away
Run away and let the breaths I take clear my mind so I can finally be something.
Caroline's shower is up.
Anyway, I had a panic attack. It erupted when I wrote this huge entry and then it got deleted and I began sobbing so hard and uncontrollably and I almost felt like I was in a dream. All I could concentrate on was my breathing for awhile.
I was breathing so quickly. I didn't feel like I was suffocating, more drowning in the oxygen I was breathing. I felt all dizzy.
I guess that was my panic attack. Although, was it? It lasted a few minutes and then I went upstairs and sobbed for some more time and breathed funny and listened to the song I listed at the top.
Yesterday, I felt like I was going crazy. I really did. It must've been anxiety and I can't explain it now but everything took on this kind of abstract feel. I began interpreting the world in a more artistic way and it showed in the way I wrote.
If you go back and read some of my entries from last year when I would get in super depressed/anxious moods, you'll see my writing takes on some kind of weird, cryptic feel. I'm describing things that aren't real but they're the only way I could make sense of them in words.
Like... bad thought prisoners. My thoughts felt like my prisoners and they escaped and ruined me and they were disease, they infected good memories with bad thoughts.
So yeah... I got all abstract, in short. I calmed down by making art - drawing, specifically.
God, I want to write more but I'm afraid I'll dig myself into depression or I'll just get more confused about what's wrong with me and I'll feel sad because I'm alone.
I might explode, I think.
I did yesterday.
Which means I have before, because it was unfortunately a familiar feeling.
Was it a panic attack? I read somewhere that anxiety attacks don't exist but I think I strongly disagree.
BEcause I get attacked by my anxiety and my thoughts get jumbled and I fall down and I cry and breath funny and everything seems dreamy but I'm still able to walk and move. My stomach will hurt. People say panic attacks make a person unable to control themselves, yet I could move and everything so maybe it was an anxiety attack. I dunno.
I don't know. I get information that contradicts itself from everywhere - and my emotions reflect that.
I am so confused. L:ike yesterday.. I felt crazy and weird, but not depressed or happy. Just.... like a dam. I've already said I exploded.
All these stupid descriptions of disorders, none of them fit. I would wonder if I'm normal but I know that most people don't go through this.
They don't get super depressed one day, and then wonderfully carefree and happy the next. No, really, that's what happens to me. And then every couple weeks I get a weird feeling, like something is not right, like I am bent.
I'M JUST. TIRED. I don't have anyone to talk to, I'm taking my anger out on my dad who just wants to help, and I'm so alone. I'm so alone.
Sometimes I just need to repeat things so they lose meaning and I can be at peace for a split second. So alone