MissEnlightenment
Bipolar Mama
2 a.m.
Feeling a bit different today. I've been running out of my meds and taking them less frequently because of it which may be why I'm so awake right now.
I feel restless but content none the less, meh.
I have serious inferiority issues, Kyle wanted to hear about my sexual fantasies and I just described to him aggressive dominate-type sex.
He basically said nothing about it and went on about slow, passionate sex.
Which made me feel like absolute shit because, like, I'm the girl... aren't I supposed to be the one who's into that?
I mean, I AM into that, full throttle, probably more-so than any other type of sex but for whatever reason when it comes to fantasizing I tend to think about roughness....
I decided I'd google what each sexual fantasy says about you and I think I'm caught between this fantasy of being sexualy exploited (Which apparently links back to not being acknowledged enough as a child) and just wanting someone else to take charge, not have the pressure on myself for a change.
I think that's much more fair to myself.
Blah I just feel like I'm just gunna end up being that worthless trainwreck that he loves but doesn't admire.
Nothing but a product of sad mistakes and regrets.
Just a red mix of misery and inflammation staring you in the face but wearing the smile that once made you happy.
Once.
Now it just taunts you, reminding you of a time that once was.
Engulfed in travesty, her worth will only diminish over time.
Once a bud flowing with potential, now blossomed into the horrible flimsy half-rotten weed that it is.
I just wanna be beautiful
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