finfairy111

Tales from the DEEP Sea
2014-02-03 06:10:42 (UTC)

Its been hard

life is never as black and white as it seems. Blame is always placed on one end without full knowledge of the whole siuation. Sometimes I might be too understanding and see the root of someones issue after they have hurt me. Hurt me very deeply I look past the current situation deep down to the core of their past. I love him still unconditionaly whole heartedly. And then I wonder why cant he do the same for me? Does he not love me as much as I do him? Maybe its because he hurts me with the things he does then stops doing them and Im then able to move on. I hurt him with the way that I am ... first pushing him away with bouts of anxiety fueld critisizem. Sure sometimes he deserved it like when I let into him about how long i had been supporting us breaking my back at a factory while he layed around getting high. But I didnt stop no I let him have it for hours on end. Pushing him far far away from me and he started drinking insane amounts. one day i couldnt take it anymore and i just decided id never go back to that factory again it was ruining my life! My back was fucked i hadnt slept decent for 3 years! And i was a bitch to pretty much anyone who came over. Anyway he was super pissed but that was the best thing i ever did! I got a part time job and he finally got a real job! now he has stopped drinking stopped staying out late and we are very close to getting a house. But our relationship is damaged he is still not as affectionate as id like. Before all of this it was magic we were friends for 10 years before hooking up and when we finally did it was like wow soulmates! I guess thats why we managed to stay together. But now its like im just there and the more i question him the more it pushes him away. He says he is still very much inlove and i just need to calm down and let things go back to normal. But its so damn hard when all i wanna do is be close and sweet and hes sooo distant. this is my big problem right now not bad considering the last few years. i need something that will just take up all my time so he can have his relaxed space and i can stop obsessing. Im a freaking love addict like my codependant cat that crys when we leave and crys when we dont touch him. Thats me the cuddle fiend.




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