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2014-01-31 17:53:56 (UTC)

Awkward As Fuck

"Airplanes" by Local Natives

"Her Monologue" by Issues

Being alone are you scared of being alone,
worried you'll be a shadow terrified of getting old
Move a little closer
What are you afraid of?
You're killing yourself with lucid dreaming

January 31, 2014 5:55 PM Friday

I'm not sad, I'm just restless. It's friday so this week of exams is over - I only had one since I took my Algebra one last year. We had school today. SOMETIMES I GET REALLY ANNOYED WITH MYSELF.

I was feeling weird all day. Not sad. Not happy. Not excited. Not quite angry. I wanted to punch everyone in the face but not because I was mad, just because I couldn't really feel and everything seemed so... mundane. I felt like I needed to start a fire.

My username has reached new truth. I've always (always meaning as long as I can remember meaning a year or two) loved my nightmares but I didn't used to have them so often. I thought nightmares spawned from bad experiences and unhealthy thoughts, but for some reason, the more I've recovered from years of self deprecation the more I've had dreams painted red.

Most of the time it has to do with death. No surprise there. A murderer is chasing me or I'm the murderer. Over the summer I had one where my sister killed herself so I did too but I didn't die, I was just stuck here for eternity.

I jumped off a building. The feeling before landing was strangely not panic, just pure bliss.

Anyhow, I wonder if I'm homicidal. No, I must not be homicidal. It's just I've been thinking a lot about murder lately. I can say the same about my crush, too, unfortunately.

UGHHHH. I hate being fourteen and a girl!!! Not only is it difficult but stupid feelings. Fortunately I can't feel the crush in my stomach or my heart or on my skin but it's kind of debilitating.

I don't want to think of him (I guess I'm not a lesbian, who would've guessed, haha just kidding).

1) He's not mine
2) I've thought about him too much today
3) I don't even knOW HIM
4) He offered to re lace my shoes today into bar laces and I wanted to run away and hide in my room. Not that he's a terrible person, he's fine, I'm just so bad at talkign to people.

At that moment I wasn't flustered because he was him, I was flustered because I'm terrible with people!!! When I make friends, it literally takes an entire school year before I stop being awkward or at least I feel a tiny bit less awkward.

This is probably why I barely know anyone of the opposite sex. I literally run or walk in the opposite direction if I see a social encounter coming.

But I don't want to! I'm just so goddamn scared. I hate being scared.

I was scared to go snowboarding today even though I could've. I'm scared to go rock climbing even though I love it and when I'm doing it I feel so free.

Free of thoughts, free of people, high in the sky, untouchable, just like I'm supposed to be.

A frozen angel in a cold world.

Sigh. Well, fuck. I'm restless. I want to be social. YEs, with him. But no I won't. I will not get to know him. Partly because who want's to be friends with me? But mostly because he belongs to Laney and I'm afraid if I get to know him I will either hate him or like him a lot more.

Stupid feelings.

I'm just glad my feelings haven't gone physical. My anger was physical today. My stomach was burning up a storm.

Ewww. I hate talking about boys. I also hate talking in general. OK well

to sum everything up, guess what? I'm not depressed which is wonderful. My social life sucks which sucks but what can I do at this moment? Probably something but I won't.

I'm okay.
The important thing is I'm okay.

And if someone I knew (relatively knew - maybe someone I've shared four or five words with at the least) knocked on my door, I'd talk to them. Have a conversation.

That's the kind of mood I'm in today. Social. Awkward as fuck, but social.

I'm fine.

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