Mugglecat

Unabashedly Me
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2014-01-30 06:02:27 (UTC)

My Reason

Hi.

It's cold here. Somewhere around 25 degrees or so, which is torture for a Southerner. And, thanks to a non-insulated, non-central-heated house, I am feeling every degree. No snow, that would have made the cold worth while. No, it's just cold and windy and dreary.

Not fun.

Right now, I'm pondering my future. You see, I never expected to make it to my age. When I was 11, I was so close to suicide I started getting rid of my things. There were many reasons: difficulties with my family, major depression, friendship changes, and horrible, horrible body issues. Then Ninja was born and, well, I decided to ride out for a little longer. He was my saving grace at that point. And he has been ever since.

I've become sort of his guardian angel over the years, more because I was the only one there than I really aimed to be his constant companion. For a few years, my sister KK and I were the only ones at home (the other two off to college). With my parents working, it was our responsibility to take care of Ninja (Just like Bonita and Fairy raised KK and I...crappy parenting with the excuse of careers). And, since I was younger, the dirty diapers, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, and the just-distract-him moments were always handed to me. And, since a baby couldn't really make me feel like a weirdo, I didn't mind so much.

When KK went to college, Ninja officially became my sole responsibility. Before school I got him dressed and, when a ride wasn't available, took him to daycare/pre-k/elementary school. After school, I picked him up, took him home and kept him entertained for the rest of the day. At night, I got him into bed and, more often than not, had him creep into my bed in the middle of the night. Mom still hates that he did/does that.

When I went to college, I of course had to give up the reins to a slew of strange babysitters but he still made a point to call me and vice versa. On breaks, he once more became my little tail. And, now that I've dropped out of school, I'm home-schooling him. (He wasn't emotionally or academically ready for the next school year. This is sort of a catch up year.) So, I spend all day, every day with him, most nights too since he hates sleeping alone and I'm too tired to fight that particular battle.

In a way, he's the reason I've made it this far. I've been struggling with severe depression for years now and high school caused me physical pain. College was, in some ways, worse. My relationship with my Mom has disintegrated, never a good feeling, and that caused a lot of tension in the family. And, well, I'm a screw-up and life just looks crappy when I lift my head.

But, like I said, Ninja's presence has pulled me through the darker moments. When I was 11, he was the little glimmer of change and hope. When I made it to high school, he was the only one who smiled to see me every day, who cared if I was angry or sad. In college, he always said he missed me (which on more than one occasion made me cry). And now, he's the only one who doesn't see me as a loser/failure/disappointment (sad that I can't even include myself in that count).

I won't lie and say I don't think about taking my life every once in a while. I do. I think how easy it would be to fall off the roof. At that height, there's very little chance I'd survive. It would look like an accident while I was trying to take down Christmas lights. Friends and family take accidents way better than suicides.

And why not? Sure, 'they' say I have my whole life ahead of me. What life? If the last 20 years has told me anything, I'm not meant to flourish in this life. My friends, while amazing, have grown apart. My family cannot understand me despite their best intentions. (For example, Mom is very disappointed that my 'attitude' hasn't improved with the introduction of my thyroid medication. -_- It's my personality, not a condition, Mom. And I'm sorry I can't help grumbling under my breath when you nag me through the day. Dad says I can eff up a wet dream, if that tells you anything.) I have had no boyfriends since elementary school and I'm pretty certain any flirting coming my way since then had ulterior motives. The chances of that changing are...pathetically slim (especially considering most people are either scared of me or think I'm a lesbian...I'm not.) I have no career plans, ambitions, etc. I don't want kids, even if I had a guy to have them with. I'm not a big home-roots sort of person so I really couldn't care less if I get the picket fence.

I have no plans, no dreams, no hopes for my own life. No direction. If I survive to a ripe old age (god forbid), I'll be the old lady living in a trailer somewhere with fifty cats, attempting to kill myself early through a mixture of drugs, alcohol, and leaving my door open at night. I can truly see it at the back of my mind right now.

But, if I do kill myself, I won't be able to take care of Ninja anymore.

That kid is as good as my son. I have always been there for him in a way I've never been for anyone else. He is the only person I can say I love you to and not feel like I'm lying. If I die, I won't see him grow up. I won't be able to pull him through the bad times like he did with me. I won't cheer him on when he wins trophies or awards or pie-eating contests (covering the bases here). I won't be there to tell him that Mom wasn't always like this and that she didn't mean that or fill in for Dad when he doesn't go to any of his school functions. I won't be able to help him with his homework anymore or laugh at the knock-knock jokes that no one else finds amusing.

In a way, I'm the only constant in his life just like he's the only one in mine.

Right now, I'm crying imagining him sleepily crawling into my bed at night only to realize I'm not there, I'll never be there again. He should never have to deal with that and, as bad as life is right now, I'll make sure he never does. Not because of me.

I know these feelings won't last forever. He's needing my attention less and less these days and soon he won't notice it/like it. He won't need me for anything because, at the root of it all, I'm not his parent and I'll only ever be the sister. That's alright. That's natural. But where does that leave me? Back to contemplating how best to land when I hop off the house?

I don't know.

I don't want to die. Not really. But I don't think I'm the sort of person who would be happy living through my effed up life either, not without a purpose, not with the knowledge of what almost certainly awaits me. Right now Ninja is my keystone (as dependent as that sounds). He is my reason for being alive.

But what about in ten years?


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