"Temporary Bliss" by The Cab
Friday January 24, 2014 10:20 PM
Omg. I'm dying.
I've been reading about quantum suicide, which makes me sound so smart, and OH MY FUCKING GOD.
MIND FUCK. MIND. FUCK.
Okay, so at some point while talking about this theory, they talked about quantum immortality, which is in short:
Imagine a guy with a gun. Because of the quantum particle, the gun will either go off or it won't, depending on which way the particle is spinning. The gun is pointed at this man's head. He pulls the trigger but only hears a click, so he keeps pulling the trigger but it never goes off.
He is unaware that in another universe, he is dead. Each time he pulls the trigger, the universe splits into two.
Later in this article, they mention people who try to kill themselves.
"So why aren't all of the people who have ever attempted to kill themselves immortal? What's interesting about the Many-Worlds interpretation is that according to the theory, in some parallel universe, they are. "
Omg. I'm sorry, but as a person who has (unfortunately) tried to off herself, this totALLY FUCKED ME UP OMG.
Maybe because I read the entire article up to that point. It's just... I survived. I had two choices. Take the entire bottle of pills I was holding, or don't. And then I had another choice. Tell my mom what I did or just wait to die.
I told my mom. I got brought to the hospital by Laney's dad. I'm alive like nine months later. It's weird thinking that hypothetically, there is another universe out there where I am dead and those bystanders are just left with the shell of me. I have gained quantum immortality. I am infinitely pulling the trigger, wondering why the gun never went off. Somewhere else, I'm lying dead on the ground with puke all over me. I'm wearing blue jeans and a plaid shirt. I'm fat. But I'm also not me anymore.
I don't think I've ever thought this closely about death. This entire day, filled with death. Laney had a dream last night. Her dream was about her neighbors dad who is dead now. Her neighbor was her best friend but after her dad died of cancer a couple years ago, she moved away.
Laney's neighbor's dad was like a father to her. I mean, Laney has a father who lived with her. I don't know if she feels like he's a second father to her or... or whatever else. I saw him once before he died, on halloween. He died I think like four months later, in February.
I don't know. This makes me feel bad. I've felt kind of depressed this week. Doesn't help that I am shrinking inside. People surrounding me holding hands, loving each other. I am green with envy.
Everywhere I turn, couples! I have absolutely no single friends! I am the only one and I have never had a boyfriend or anything close (dont think about him dont think about what happened it was stupid stupid stupid you'restupidandstupid and ugly and itwasyourfault why did this affect you so much why do you still tjink abouut it it wasnt close to rape or anything itwasjusta kiss it wasonlyakiss stopstopstopstopstop)
Oh my god. It's been harder to control my head. I can't. I feel rocky. My emoptions. I know that I haven't actually been that mood swing-y but I need to feel like there is something that explains why I get sad every couple weeks and why some weeks I'm just so optimisiticx and why is everythign so temporary
I'm not bipolar. It says that on those official papers and stuff but that's not me. I feel so outside of everything. Left in the cold.
Of being bipolar (I don't fit anywhere, not with depression not with bipolar not with anything anything)
Of being close to people
Of being with family
I'm just so cold
I don't know what to do.
People have people so does thta mean I'm not a person because I have no one? I have people, yeah, but then why I am so lonely?
I don't have people the way I want them. Close. In my head, and I'm in theirs. I can';t tell if my head is a prison or a sanctuary.
Oh great. Now I'm crying.
I'm dribbling offf...
My brain has boiled everything down to the bare bones of my life
I'm always going to be
Two plus two is four, I keep getting the same
and I'm only free when I don't think when I'm not thinking when I just go and do things and I let go of my thoughts and let go of my memories and I just don't think anymore, I say to myself "oh well, nothing matters" and nothing matters but
nothing matters in the best way
but now nothing matters in a terrible, terrible way.
NO. Everything matters. Everything but me.
Why can't I feel it? I'm so sad but I can't feel it. The physical feelings. Where did they go? I'm so depressed. Where are they?
How does thid make me feel even worse?
At this time, someone would come up to me and hug me and tell me to stop thinking, they'd just hug me but a friend is not what I need tonight a family i not what i need tongiht a lover is not what I need
I just need a possibility. Someone to hold my hand in the dark until I fall asleep and then they can leave because I'm gone
I'm gone gone gone
I'm in my head
And god now I'm thinking of that One Direction song, "srtory of my life" which for some reason that goes against all normal reasoning I love it.
Time ois froxen
I'm frozen and I just want time to go faster but also slower, stop at the sweet moments and speed past the sadness
because I swear.
I can't deal with any more sadness
any more alone-ness
any more screaming that tells me I'm never going to matter enough
no one will think of me first
I won't think of me first
here I go.
in a puddle on the ground
what does a puddle matter?
the only thing that happens in a puddle is ripples
when more drops join it or a foot lands in it
the foot smashing it
sending it to opposite corners and slowly
slwoly it comes together again
i need to
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