My Heart Is Not A Machine
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2014-01-21 20:50:36 (UTC)


January 21st, 2014 - 8:51PM
Currently Listening To: Fleetwood Mac - Landslide

Holy moly do I have updates!

I never saw Z that night (I believe it was Sunday night). He never texted me about hanging out and I was 80% convinced something sketchy was going on. I felt hurt and I definitely over reacted, but hey I didn't know what else to do!

At around 11PM my friend who lives in the apartment complex next to my dorm texted me saying she was having a party. I had already known this but I wasn't planning on going because I thought I was supposed to see Z. Since he went MIA I decided to go. It was a lot of fun! But I got extremely drunk. All these guys were talking to me but the only thing on my mind was Z. I sent him a text around midnight under the impression that he was probably still with his friends, but that text went unanswered as well. I started to get really upset, and the alcohol definitely wasn't helping. Eventually the night ended in tears and hysterics; Z's flakiness on Saturday combined with the mishap of Sunday night was apparently too much to handle. I was scared he found someone else, and I was mad at myself for not talking to him about us.

I went home late, at around 4 in the morning. I continued to cry. I just felt so vulnerable, and I don't remember ever being so into a guy before (minus that one time in middle school).

A few hours later my phone buzzed. I didn't hear it however because I was completely passed out. I woke up at around 10AM and saw that Z texted me at 8AM. He said he was really sorry, he ended up passing out while he was with his friends. I trusted his word and said it was ok, but that we needed to talk. The "what are we" conversation has been put off for way too long. Unfortunately he was already at the business school (hence why he was up so early, he had to do work) so we agreed to get lunch together and talk then.

It was the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done. After we finished our food I shyly told him I really liked him and was wondering where this was going.

His first response: "I don't know."

I don't even think I gave him a chance to explain, I immediately asked, "what do you mean you don't know." I didn't ask in a crazy way, more like a "I'm really confused and sad you just said that" kind of way.

Z went on this whole spiel that he does really like me and wants to be with me but he just needed a little time; he said he has a lot of stuff coming up that he has to focus on and isn't sure if he can devote 100% of his attention to me. Say for example we couldn't see each other during the week he wouldn't want me to get mad at him (I wouldn't even do that first of all, I didn't see him at during finals week last semester but I completely understood why).

When I tried to explain to Z how I felt he said he understood, that it has been a few months and we've been seeing each other a lot. At first he asked why we need to put a label on us, and I told him the truth (that I didn't care at first but I like him too much to not label us).

Towards the end of the convo Z apologized a bunch of times and said this was something I probably didn't want to hear. He said to wait just a bit longer (1 or 2 weeks or whatever) and then we'll talk again. He could tell I wasn't happy with this answer. He assured me that he likes me and he's not messing around/seeing anyone else/his feelings are genuine. I reluctantly agreed to giving him some time to think things through. After all, he told me he was "almost there," and that it's not liked he needed months to figure it out.

This probably put pressure on him, but I explicitly told Z that I can't and won't wait around for him to make up his mind; if he takes too long then it just shows me he is second guessing the entire relationship and not really into it. He must understand, why settle for someone who can't make up their mind about you? Especially at this point, I mean we've been dating for three months, I'd say that's a decent amount of time!

Anyway, after that whole fiasco was done with I got really upset, once again, because I was expecting things to go differently. I cried some more but I slowly came to my senses and accepted the situation. Z and I agreed to meet up later that night, but I was planning on distancing myself a bit incase things didn't work out.

Last night I went to Z's place. When I entered his room he held me and told me he was thinking a lot about what we talked about. Apparently that was the only thing on his mind. He said he changed his mind about us, said that he felt "scared" when we talked and wasn't sure what to do. I know that probably sounds bad, but then he said the status on our relationship was way overdue, that he was being a "pussy" before and that he is ready to call me his girlfriend. I asked him if he was sure he wanted this, that I didn't mean to pressure him in any way. Z assured me he wants this and it's time to move the relationship forward.

I was so ecstatic! And relieved! I wish I knew why he felt scared though. I mean, I guess I sort of get it, especially cause he's been single for so long. I asked him why he felt scared but he didn't really explain why. I'm not sure if that is good or bad, I can only hope he wants this/realized there really is nothing to be scared of. I do think he just needed to think things through, cause Z was really happy after we DTR'd. Of course we fooled around after that, and then fell asleep in each others arms. I love how close he cuddles me, I love how he kisses me, how he caresses my face, when he pretends to eat my face...

Oh gosh, am I starting to fall in love?

I woke up this morning in complete bliss. I really didn't want to go to class, it was a struggle to remove myself from Z and his warm bed. As soon as I was settled in class I texted my close friends and told them I got myself a nice boyfriend.

It almost feels like nothing has changed.. It kind of feels weird actually, especially because this time last year I was breaking up with my ex. It's been one long year of being single. It was a crazy ride, and I'm like 99% sure I won't miss it.

Anyway, today was a great day. I went to painting class, messed around with some watercolors, worked on my commission, and I started a narwal painting. So many good things! Also I can't wait for my hip hop dance class tomorrow.

Life is good :)

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