MissFlowr_MTL

NewLifeinMTL
2014-01-19 00:37:23 (UTC)

my fears with my relationship. . . .

it seems i have had fears with every relationship and they almost always r the same. but with my current relationship i feel the fears much more and its not because he is less than perfect in any way. but maybe i should explain the fear before i continue. through all the ways i was bullied and picked on while i was going through school i basically have feelings of inadequacy, i was told so much through school that i'm not good enough for anyone that now that i'm with my dream guy my subconscious keeps sneaking in and whispering things and i get suspicious like earlier in our relatiosnhip i kept suspecting that he must have others girls down there closer to where he lives that he spends his time with when he's not spending time with me. and just who he is, i have to explain my boyfriend he has had a very rough and sad life way worse than mine and its entirely his family's fault that they have convinced him that he's nothing but in all reality he is a very handsome smart funny and very charismatic guy and i'm so afraid of other women just in daily life beign around him cuz i'm afraid that they'll start flirting and somehow make it so they speak on multiple occasions and at some point he'll think they're better than me and leave. cuz i know many women find him attractive. i saw it when we were just friends we would b hanging out b somehwere and women would come on to him. and even then i got jealous and angry on the inside cuz i was in love with him then. and just my mind has made up this theory that he's such a handsome guy he cant be just in a relationship with me, there has to b another girl if not multiple other girls cuz he's so attractive. like i used to wonder if he would skype with me for just long enough to make it seem like it was late and he wanted to go to bed and act all tired and then hang up with me so he can call one of his other girlfriends andi got really suspicious today cuz i went invisible so he thought i went offline and he wasnt logging off and he had said he wanted to go to bed so i text him asking "dont u need to log off skype to go to bed?" and to make it seem like i wasnt snooping i said i was still on trying to figure out how to remove someone from my contacts list that i never intend to skype with. cuz before i was with my boyfriend i had a nice long list of internet contacts that i would have dirty chats with. and this particular contact was a nice christian guy that we never really actuallly had a dirty chat cuz he is so shy and whatever and so we would mostly just chat and he said he wanted to skype so he could see my face and hear my voice so we added each other on skype but never actually skyped. but i removed him cuz just recently i've tried to chat with him and it seems like i'll say something and then he'll ask me something that i literally just told him. it just seemed like he wasnt actually paying attention to our chats and it mademe upset. so i removed him. but anyway this whole fear thing. i love myu boyfriend and i feel so lucky to have him but my subconscious keeps tellling me "he's so out of my league he has much prettier girls on the side cuz you're not good enough for him." and he has not been doing anything to support these crazy things mhy subconsious tries to tell me in fact just yesterday we were talking about how badly we both wanted to marry each other. and now all the sudden i'm all suspicious of him and he doesnt deserve the things i end up saying to him when i get suspicious . i have to explain this too, as i've said he is a very handosme and charismatic guy. and he knows how to play guitar and is a total romantic and just i watched him in his previous relationship and he proved to b that guy that i had been hoping i would have. and i mean in every way. he has this old time commitment type of attitutde taht one of the most important things to him is that he wants to find a woman to spoil and take care of that he can marry and grow old with. and i sure hope he's found that woman in me. i'm guessing i have a good chance since he's told me already that i've made him the happiest he's ever been in his life. but i'm just this girl, average looks, slightly above average intelligence especially with anything that has to do with biology especially anatomy and physiology and anything else that has to do with the human body. but i'm nothing special, not popular or anything basically invisible trough high school but i prefer that to the perfect victim i was iin previous years. i dont know in my mind it just seems to wrong for me and him to b together if u look at it from the outside. but looking at it from the inside. he is a miserable severely verbally and emotionally abused kid who has also been neglected and never really felt nurtured, i am a very nurutring almost mother like character to most og my high school friends. who understands deperession very well due to being depressed myself both from genetic factors and asw a result of the abuse that was covered up in my family. whe u think about it that way we fit together perfectly and looking at the dynamics of the relationship all it is, is we connect very well becuause we understand each other completely on how we feel and everything and we celebrate that with lots of love making. and then i shower him with all the nurturing i can muster and its an entirely differnt feeling to him so he finally feels loved cuz i do love him and he therefore loves me cuz i nurture him so. ever since i met him and foudn out about his hardships i have wanted to save him cuz no one should ever have to suffer like he has. he was raised by his great grandparents until he was 12 due to both his parents finishing military responsibiliites and then lived with his dad for a while and a step mom and some step siblings when his dad got divorced or something like that he ended up living with his mom who would disappear for days and then when she would come around she would barely ever pay bills and buy food but rather buy unneeded items and the disappear again soon after. and thats how he ended up in my high school. and then he had a fallingout and he disowned his mom after yellling at her about houw lazy and terrible she is cuz she lived miles away from his school but kept him home for close to a month claiming she needed him there for something important and then nothing would happen until he was literally failing class and after having a meeting with school administrators once he told his dad wat was going on they decided it was best for him to move schools cuz it was the only way he was going to graduate. so he moved to sandy to move in with his dad and go to schoool down there he claimed he never had any friends at that school but he talks about friends in the area that i dont know how else he could have made those friends. and his dad would verbally abuse him telling him what a terrible person he was just for being himself. and it got bad enough his dad and older brother would beat him up. and everything has just been getting worse. his current situation, he is 19 and has a full time job at a pet grooming shop where his boss pays him more than what is normally paid to someone in his position and every paycheck his dad takes basically every scent he made to put towards bills cuz his dad was dumb enough to take a promotion that included less hours to be worked but it didnt equal up to the prmotion he made so it ultimately was more of a pay cut instead of a promotion. and instead of changing his spending habits and alter his budget he would rather bully my boyfriend for all his moeny from his job and then demand for him to magically make more. so now my boyfriend is looking for a second job cuz he is not able to save anything cuz one of his main motives for getting a job was to save up so we could move in together in our own aparpment somewhere in the salt lake valley. and also so he could get a car. he cant handle the stress of asecond job i know it he already spends each night trying to block out the severe chest pain he feels every night and the aching of his leg( his knee is all out of whack due to being hit by a car and his dad refusing to take him to ta doctor to get it taken care of and his knee has been out of alignment long enough that he is starting to cause damage to his hip.) to try and go to sleep hoping he isnt plagued by night terrors. i have no idea how long it has been since he has had a single day where he has been pain free. i really need to get out of there. his dad is about to stress him to death. have him working full time hours and taking all his pay and then bullying him that he never brings home enough money and its because he's not good enough or he's too dumb or he's too lazy or whatever the excuse is. and make him feel awful and his dad is just shown he is impossible to please he told my boyfriend to get a second job and so my boyfriend asked for help to write his resume to get a second job and he bullied my boyfriend for thinking he was good enough to get a second job. but anyway its very late and i am feeling some body soreness and need rest.




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