My Heart Is Not A Machine
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2014-01-18 23:18:45 (UTC)

Quiet Saturday

January 18th, 2014 - 11:19PM
Currently Listening To: The Barr Brothers - Beggar In The Morning

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my room, not drinking. Such a shocker (but seriously).

A lot has happened the past few days. I went to Boston on Thursday and saw one of my favorite bands ever at The House of Blues. It was a kick ass concert but we had crappy seating, which was unfortunate. The night was also unfortunate because my friend B drank a little too much and got pissy at all of us. B seems to be bipolar because this is not the first time she has lost her cool. Just a week before fall semester ended she got pissed at me because I ate a cherry in her beer, and she cursed me out/said I was a horrible person because I ate her cherry.

After the cherry incident I wasn't sure what to do, knowing that B and I have several commitments this semester (Boston trip, NYC concert in March we already have tickets for, and taking classes together). I decided to go out of my way and "apologize" even though it was just one god damn cherry. All of my friends who witnessed the cherry shenanigans/heard about it agreed B was totally out of line.

Not only was B rude to me Thursday night in Boston, on the way back to school Friday morning I had to pay to fill up her gas tank and for all the tolls because she has no money. I literally had no choice but to pay because the other girl who came with us ended up staying in Boston. If I didn't pay we would've been stuck in Boston with nothing, and that obviously wasn't an option. In total I had to pay an extra $60 for this trip, and now I am broke because of that. It's not my fault B is broke, she should've saved money for this trip, especially since we planned this since October! Now I have to call my parents and awkwardly ask for more money, and I hate doing that.

Whatever. I'm too nice for this shit.

I'm happy to report that I successfully denied J's attempts to hang out. I saw him again today but I quickly escaped. Oh, the irony; last semester it was me who was doing most of the chasing, and now he is the one who's doing it. I don't plan on ever speaking to him again, I'm simply not interested.

I saw Z last night and I had a lot of fun. Although now I'm slightly flustered because he was supposed to text me after the basketball game ended, except it ended like five hours ago. If there is one thing I hate it's when people say they will text you but then don't do it. Unfortunately none of my friends are going out tonight, so I'm stuck inside in my room. I kind of wish I had something to do, but everyone already had plans or is just not going out.

I'm tempted to text Z and ask him what's going on but I don't want to be clingy. I was with him last night and this morning for a bit.

I still feel conflicted about this whole "exclusivity" talk. I was determined to have it, but after Wednesday night with Z it all just felt too good to be true and I didn't feel it was necessary to have it.. What we have going on right now feels 100% natural and I don't want to disturb that. BUT at the same time I'm still confused about what we are. We've been seeing each other for nearly 3 months. Isn't that enough time to think about relationship status?

I feel like my mind is constantly going in circles. When I was in Boston I got approached multiple times by men, I had to tell them that I had a "boyfriend" because I'm simply not interested in dating anyone else but Z. Isn't he concerned that other guys are trying to get with me? Or does he not care? Do I even mention it to him?

I really don't know. I thought I wouldn't mind not having a label, but after this past week being with him I'm starting to realize I'm slowly (very slowly) falling for him. I understand if he wants to take it slow, but if he's still unsure after 3 months then I'm pretty sure he will never be sure about us.

I'm hoping he will bring the relationship talk soon.. Then again, I can always do it, but I'm so scared. I know it's not fair to dump all the responsibility on him, but everyone around me constantly says it should be the guys job to DTR. I just don't understand, like last night for example he was obviously showing off the fact that we were together in the bar, but there's no clarity as to where this is going. He introduced me to his friends, his parents, he cuddles with me extra tight nearly every night. Maybe he is just as scared as I am, for some reason.

Gah, I'm already over thinking, I need to stop :/

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