Four thirty AM
I should be sleeping but I cant. Not so long ago I realized I was lying to myself for such a long time. I felt betrayed by the only person left I thought I could depend on...myself. Now its hard to feel things. I am an empty vessel inside with no pain, or anger, or drive, or joy, or passion or joy. I catch myself smiling and by the time I realize I was happy, I cant remember why I was in the first place. I'm going through the days waiting and planning my life as I am actually living it. All I have wanted to do is to keep people away because I'm ashamed of were I have gotten to. I don't want to waste my time with people because I have become really good at upsetting them lately. And unlike before when I cared and I would try to fix it, now it feels right to upset them because it keeps them away or at a distance. I am not sure what can get me out of this whirlwind. I guess I am waiting for something big to happen and who knows what it is or if its even going to happen. I use to make things happen and not wait...ever. But the HONEST truth for once is, I am not sure whats next. I do not know what to make happen. I hope my big thing, whatever it is, comes soon so that I can get on with my life. Maybe make people happy again.
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