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2014-01-15 18:32:14 (UTC)

I Want One!!!

"Gods & Monsters" by Lana Del Rey

"I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. I had nothing and wanted everything." -Lana Del Rey

Wednesday January 15, 2013 6:23 PM

This must be what they mean by "growing up". I'm getting smarter. Why am I surprised? I dunno. I used to look back at my life and... didn't see anything. I saw the memories, I saw the feelings, but I didn't reach into the water or anything.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Look, I don't feel like writing about the rest of my vacation, but let me say we went snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef and I nearly had a panic attack but my sister saved me from that

(It was weird because water scares my sister but somehow, the strong-ass ocean didn't which is weird since once she almost drowned in the ocean and for me, water has never scared me but the ocean nearly stopped my breathing for a few minutes there)

and it was really fucking awesome. I saw colorful fish and barracuda and I really wish I saw a sea turtle.


I haven't been writing as much, I know. I've been writing in my actual carry-it-with-me-everywhere diary but hey, nothing can replace this.

Today I REALLY felt like a fourteen year old girl who is a freshman in high school. I look down on squeal-y girls who are all like, "Boys, clothes, make up, ah!"

My mind has kind of been screaming boys for awhile now so I don't know why I feel so superior.

I might have a crush. SO weird. I can barely recognize crushes. Last time I had one was last spring. Before that, third grade, LOL.

I'm not supposed to like this kid though 'cause he's not mine. He's my friend's. I don't like him THAT much though, I mean I don't know him. The longest we've ever talked was this morning when he saw me staring at my phone and was all like, "You having a moment?"

and I was like, "Oh yeah. Potato chips" Because I was on Pandora and there was a potato chip commercial.

That was our "conversation" so let me just set the record straight: I don't like him that much and he is dating Laney and I probably only like him because I'm stupid.

Ughhhh. I can't focus. I think Jonah has gotten more mean? Jonah (no Laney's boyfriend, btw) is this kid who everybody hates but they shouldn't because he's cool. I really don't understand why and people have told him to kill himself and I think he's tried but he was weird this morning and I was kinda mean to him, so FOR SHAME VERONICA FOR SHAME.

I don't know. I've just really wanted a relationship (nOT WITH JONAH or most of the people I know and not with Laney's guy either because that would be terrible of me and I'm going to stop now ok) right now.

I want oneee. I wannttt ittt. Goddamn it!! Literally ALL my friends excepting Sam have boyfriends. Lily's got Drew, Aaron's got Food Tray (I'm joking, his name is Trey), and Laney's got I'm not typing his name.

I wanna crawl into a hole. I have a fever dream when I was sick yesterday and a guy was chasing me because he wanted to kiss me and it reminded me of what happened this summer and I felt disgusting and was shying away from him and when I woke up, I realized I should've just kissed that dream boy because I'm lonely.

My friends have significant others while I do not. I have four friends. I consider someone a friend when I hang out with them outside of school. Wait, five. I forgot Meekah (and her boyfriend, Dan). So I don't have anyone to talk to.

Or anyone to share things with. I COULD share with them, but I don't want to JUST share. That's not what makes me lonely. What makes me lonely is not hanging out with anyone after school. Not having someone who will be totally fine with coming over and watching Netflix with me and then leaving or eating whatever they want in my house, I don't care. Someone who will also share with me.

FUCK IT. This won't happen for me. I'm not that type of person.

I really wish I was.