Just a sin
you sit in your room day after day, trying not to cry, trying to keep it together, keep your mind occupied so
you won't break down, thinking of all the emotional damage, agonizing words, and harm that has come to you, that you've held in so long.
But of course when you finally do break down, it's in front of everyone. You feel weak, embarrassed, they don't understand, they'll judge you, give you sympathy that you don't deserve and sure as hell don't want. They say they understand, when you know damn well they don't considering you don't even understand yourself. You're trying to find yourself, trying not to cut people out, so they won't take it personal or hurt their feelings, even though they shouldn't take it that way, you're doing it to everyone. You're hungry all the time, it seems like you're gaining weight more and more, even though you're eating less day after day, until it gets to the point when you don't even remember if you've ate. You just want to sleep, and if you're not sleeping you just want to cry. You laugh, smile and socialize with others so they don't get worried about you. You appear happy to them, and when you are about to cry, you don't exactly lie, you just say you don't want to be home, which is also true, because you don't want your family to see you cry, but then your friends think it's family issues, it's not. You're not sure who to trust, you can't even trust your best friend, because she already told her sister something personal, that you told her not to tell a single soul. She jokes around, but some of the things hurts. The guy you trusted most called you a cunt over the stupidest thing, and still hasn't said sorry about it, knowing that it bothers you. You made out with a good friend's ex-boyfriend, not to mention she still liked him at the time, you completely forgot she liked him and that they dated, but it wouldn't matter, if she found out, she'd hate you forever. Not to mention your best friend started talking to a guy you had a thing with, knowing her purposes with him whether you okayed it or not. It didn't matter if you liked him, she knew what had happened and she still tried to go after him, before you said it was okay to go for him.. So the point of what you're thinking is, you've made some bad decisions, you don't regret them, because they've taught you a couple things, you trust a little, you lose a little, you feel alone, like nobody understands, you keep telling yourself it's gonna be okay, but you just don't know if it's true. You know it will get better,but you don't know how long it'll take, but what you do know,is you can't take another blow of breaking down. You feel a little better letting it out, even if it's on a draft only Rhiannon and yourself would see, she's the only one you can trust 100% and you're grateful. But what you don't understand is how nobody noticed the fake smile...