E11

2014
2014-01-12 03:27:57 (UTC)

What Do I Know?

I think I've seen my mother for the last time. I think I know what I'm doing with my life. I think if I can just keep moving forward, one day everything will be okay. But the truth is that I'm totally scared. I'm scared that I'm wrong and don't know anything for certain. All I know for sure is that I've been sad for a very long time. Other people think I'm doing fine. They tell me how proud they are of me, what a great girl I am and how they just know I'm going to succeed because I'm so determined. Determined? I have no idea what I'm doing so how can I be determined? Don't you have to have some sort of goal you want to achieve to be determined? I'm just trying to get through the day. I hate to be melodramatic, but I think about death all the time. I can't go back to my old life and I'm scared for my future. My mother abandoned me. She kicked me out, and even though I knew it was her illness talking, I swore that I would never go back. It's been almost two years now and I haven't. And right now, I'm scared about my future. I don't know if I'll be able to find a job and support myself. I think part of me might just stay stuck at eighteen forever. I'm nearly 20 and I can't pay a bill, write a check, drive a car. I have a job but not enough to support myself. I'll probably graduate in a few years. But my degree won't be enough to get me a job. I'll need graduate school. And how on Earth am I supposed to pay for that? I know lots of people have these same fears. And I think most of the time, everything works its way out. And a small part of me thinks that if I just keep going, I'll be okay eventually too. But another big part of me is completely tired. I'm tired of being scared, worrying and telling myself that it'll all be okay. When I was a kid, I told myself things would get better when I was older. When I was older, I told myself things would get better when I was in high school. When I got into high school, I told myself things would be better when my mother left her idiot fiance. When she left him, or rather he left us, I told myself things would be better when we found our own place. When we found our own place, I told myself things would be better when I got a job. When I got a job, I told myself things would be better when I got away from my mom and went to college. Well I'm in college now. And things still aren't better. I wake up with the uncertainty that I've always felt. I feel like my future rides on every little action that I do now. My friend once told me that he envied my mother's illness, because it made me go do things for myself. He thought his parent's sheltering of him didn't really allow him to meet his full potential. Why work hard when Mommy and Daddy will solve all your problems? I get that, I really do. But at the same time, does he realize how it feels to think that your whole life verges on this moment. That if you fuck up ONE time, you could lose everything? That's how I feel. I feel the pressure to succeed. And I'm worried that I'm not strong enough. I tell myself that a year from now, everything will be clearer. But what's going to change? I still feel like the same scared kid I was all those years ago. And I'm starting to think that maybe things aren't ever going to work out, that maybe the problem is me. I just want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop feeling exhausted before my feet have hit the floor. I walk over this bridge often. And even though I can't swim, I think about leaning over the rail and letting myself dive headfirst into the water. Part of me wants to die, but part of me wants to live too. I want to see if I was strong enough all along, if I can do the things I've dreamed of. I want to go to concerts, travel, fall in love. I want to go camping, drive a car, paint my house. I want someone to call me "Mommy" and own a big brown dog. I'm afraid I won't ever get these things. And I think to myself, "Wouldn't it just be easier to give up now than to drag my misery out?" I've been telling myself all my life everything will be okay one day. I just wish there was a way to know for sure. I know lots of people have these fears. But how do I find comfort in that? Those people aren't me and I am not them. For some people, things don't get better. All I know is how it feels to be me. I think I'll never forgive my mother, but what if I do? I think I know what I want to do with my life, but what if I don't. The possibility that everything won't be okay and I won't ever feel whatever the hell it is I'm searching for is just as real. I can't tell myself that everything will be okay without not believing and doubting it. What do I know? What does anyone? And that is exactly what I'm scared of.




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