My Heart Is Not A Machine
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The home stretch
January 10th, 2014 - 1:04AM
Currently Listening To: Earth Wind And Fire - September
It's been a couple days since I've written! A number of things have happened this week. I'll start with the guy drama first.
Before I went back to college for fall semester I met this guy on Tinder. His name is M. We started talking and originally I didn't plan on meeting up with him at all, but after a few days I figured, why not? We met up in the city and it was a great time. I quickly found out he really wanted to have sex after our date activities were over. Typical, I guess. This didn't bother me at the time, but after we did the deed I felt really gross about it, but I really liked him.
I went back to school and maintained consistent contact with him. Soon enough I met Z but at that point I had zero investment and considered Z a casual fling that wasn't going to go any where (the irony). I continue talking to M but I kept my options open, and I assumed he was doing the same, which was completely fine with me. Eventually some things M did/said were turning me off and I lost interest. I didn't outright tell him though, I just kept my distance. Things with Z started to pick up and I decided that I wanted to commit to Z, but I never told M about it, hoping that we would just have a fall out and then that was that.
However, that was wrong of me to do. I should've just been honest about it. On Thanksgiving break M contacts me and wants to take me out on a date. I refuse and tell him I'm no longer interested and I'm not interested in casual dating. He said that was fine and he didn't want a long distance relationship anyway. Ok?
We had some contact after that conversation, but it was friendly and mostly small banter. I figured he was moving on and just wanted to keep up the friendship. Well, I was wrong (of course). The other night I was up till nearly 3 in the morning talking to M about us. He asked me why I didn't want to go out with him, and proceeded to call me "amazing," "incredible," "one of a kind," and he said he knew how to please me but would never get the chance to do that. I was at a loss of how to respond to this, all I could really say was "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way." I didn't want to be a complete bitch and not communicate to him about what happened, but at the same time I probably didn't say anything that made him feel better.
After that conversation I felt guilty, knowing that this poor guy has some strong feelings for me and he might be feeling hurt. But there's nothing I can do at this point. I'm 100% faithful to Z right now.
Speaking of Z, even though I want to remain committed, I don't know whether or not we're exclusive because we never spoke about it. I know I can't assume, and I'm not assuming he isn't seeing anyone, but at the same time it really feels like he isn't. Just today we were talking and I told him there needed to be more dinosaur-related objects. His response was, "this is why I like you, you are radiating brilliance." Haha.
See what I mean? I'm not assuming, but judging from his actions and what he says, it just SEEMS like he isn't dating anyone else right now. But I don't know if I should bring it up. I'm scared it will freak him out, or put some weird strain. Like I said before, I don't care about labels, I just want the exclusivity. I think I'm going to have to bring it up, but I'm going to wait until we get back to school.
Z is coming back from Africa today. Technically he left yesterday but by the time he gets to the states it will be later today. We're driving back upstate on Sunday, I'm very excited to see him and to take the road trip. He said he can't wait to see me!
Today is Friday, so I have two more days until I'm done and out of here! So close but so far!
On Wednesday I went to the city with my two girlfriends. I had a lot of fun! We had lunch and drinks on the upper west side of NYC and we even went to happy hour at this random hotel bar. I got three glasses of Chardonnay for only $15, which is a steal. One of my friends left to see a movie but the other girl stayed, and we chatted in the bar for a long time. I had a lot of fun. Except awkward moment when your mom asks if you had enough liquor when she smells your wine breathe in the car on the way home.
Yesterday I went to Starbucks with a hometown friend. I was supposed to go out with her tonight but I knew I shouldn't because I had some drawing to do and I didn't want to spend the money. It was a lot of fun, albeit short. After I dropped her off I took a nice drive to the beach because I was bored. I enjoyed myself though.
Today I have to go to this kid's house to pick up money for the painting I'm doing for his band. I didn't ask for much, but either way I'm glad I'm getting some extra money. I'll use some of it for the painting but I have most of the stuff, so the leftover money will definitely go towards booze and food.
I also got a credit card from Citibank. I want to start building credit, which is why I got one. It hasn't arrived yet, I'm hoping it comes tomorrow.
I probably won't be doing much the next two days, besides picking up the money. I guess I have to start organizing and re-packing my suitcase, along with cleaning my room. Z might ask me to stay over Saturday night, although he might be tired from the plane ride still so maybe he won't. If he does I'm not sure how well that will go over with dad. I don't care what he thinks anymore about it but if he disapproves my mom might not want to drop me off, which means Z would have to pick me up and I feel bad making him do that. Oh well, I'll see what happens!
I can't wait to see Z and give him a hug, that's the only thing I'm looking forward to :)