My Heart Is Not A Machine
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2014-01-06 00:44:24 (UTC)

Self-esteem issues

January 6th, 2014 - 12:44AM
Currently Listening To: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Soft Shock

I stated in a previous post about me not having self-esteem issues... Now that I think about it, that's not entirely true. I figured I should write this all out and gather my thoughts about my self-esteem.

When I was a pre-teen I was made fun of a lot because of my appearance. My arms were hairy, I had braces, missing teeth, thick eyebrows, and hair that resembled a thorn bush. Guys made fun of me, girls made fun of me, even someone who was supposed to be my "best friend" made fun of me one time after we had an argument. Surprisingly all these comments didn't really effect me too much, I just tried harder at keeping up my appearance. I started shaving my arms, plucking my eyebrows, wearing eyeliner, and straightening my hair.

Of course everyone goes through that awkward teenager phase. I definitely did, and boy was I awkward. I don't think I stopped being awkward till I was 17. Maybe even 18. Even freshman year of college was awkward! Anyway, despite all this I never really had a problem with what I looked like. I accepted myself and embraced it with open arms.

When I started dating my ex he said some pretty hurtful things. A month into our relationship he said a girl on his floor was "so fucking hot!!!" and he was completely astounded that she would be living on his floor next semester. I've heard guys talk about girls being hot, but something inside my just snapped when he said that (and continued to talk about said girl).

So there I was; 18 years old, dark hair, big brown eyes, 34D boobs, 120 pounds, 5'7'' ... I think this was me being naive, but I was completely baffled about how he could drool over this girl when I was sitting there right in front of him!! Was I not good enough?

That was the first thing that set off my self-esteem to a downward spiral. I continued to worry about my looks and constantly compared myself to every attractive girl I saw. I had talks with my ex, several talks, and he told me that I was beautiful and I don't need to worry. Sometimes he also told me there will always be someone more attractive. Well no shit, Sherlock.

On top of all this, my ex constantly talked about girls bodies. This girl was too fat, that girl wasn't toned enough, the girl in the corner is too skinny, this girl has a great body, etc. I was so numb to all the talk about appearances that I barely blinked an eye when he made comments about this. However, soon enough I started to obsess over girls weight, and eventually my own weight. Without realizing it, I was slowly turning into my ex; a self-absorbed, judgmental, sexist asshole.

There were other hurtful comments: One time my ex told me my body could be "improved." I weight in at 114 pounds when he said this. Did he want me to become fucking anorexic (when I told him I dropped to 114 earlier that year he said that it was "great." 114 for 5'7'' is pretty damn skinny)?? I was shocked when he told me that, and I didn't know what to say. At first I was angry, but of course he defended himself and said that I was perfect but there's nothing wrong with "toning."

He said that girls thighs shouldn't touch, he said he would dump a girl if she gained too much weight, he said if a girl doesn't have boobs or an ass he would never go out with them. He would rate me on a scale of 1 to 10, and even though he always gave me a "9" I felt so insulted he would even do that and judge my looks on a stupid nonexistent scale of attractiveness. "One time he mentioned how Olivia Wilde's eyes were the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen, how easy it would be to get lost in them. And OK, I get it, she's a celebrity and we're allowed to admire them, but after all the shit I've heard from him I took that as another blow. He never said such things about my eyes, ever. I started to hate my eye color, and even to this day I desperately wish my eyes were blue, not brown.

This all probably sounds so silly. But after nearly 2 years of hearing all this nonsense, it was wearing me down. I was so unhappy. I constantly judged myself, and others. I never felt good enough. Some months we barely had sex, and instead of having sex he would watch porn. I later found out he didn't have sex with me so he could "save his testosterone" for the gym.

I'm embarrassed I put up with this loser for so long. What the hell was I thinking?

I finally dumped him, but the self-esteem issues tend to flare up from time to time. I'm scared if I ever gain weight because I'm scared no guy will want me if I do. I'm scared I'm not the ideal girl, I don't have blonde hair or blue eyes. I'm scared because there are so many other girls who look better than me. I'm still scared I'm not good enough.

I need to stop comparing. I need to embrace myself, like how I used to in the past. All those times I was made fun of? I didn't resent myself for it. I simply thought "you know what, it doesn't matter what they think, I'm happy." How come I can't think that anymore? I felt so much pressure to look like a plastic Spanish version of Barbie that I'm pretty sure I forgot about happiness.

My ex was so heartless. How could he say those things to me? Even worse, he was completely wrong the whole time! And I should know that.

I think I'm getting better now... I do catch myself comparing myself to other girls, but I try really hard not to. I really have no reason to. I'm beautiful in my own way.

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