My Heart Is Not A Machine
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2014-01-04 00:59:15 (UTC)


January 4th, 2014 - 12:59AM
Currently Listening To: Nothing

I "baked" today. The recipe for the no-bake brownies is a good recipe, but it needs some adjusting. Next time I make them I need to grease the pan (for some reason the author of the recipe said to not grease it), and I need to put in less sugar. The brownies are way too sweet, although still very delicious! I also need some creme de menthe, I couldn't find any at the supermarket so I had to use a substitute.

I still plan on giving some to Z. I messaged him today with a picture of the brownies and told him I made some for him. I also said that if he wasn't a huge mint fan I would bake him chocolate chip cookies instead. Chocolate chip cookies seem so ordinary, but I have the best recipe for them and they always come out amazing. Even if he doesn't prefer the chocolate chip I think I'm going to make some anyway and give them to my friends at school.

I like doing nice things for people, but I wish I could do more.

So once again it's late at night and I have nothing to do. It snowed a lot overnight, we got around 11 inches of snow! It's also extremely cold, so I stayed inside all day. The roads were still bad anyways, the rest of the family didn't do much either.

My dad will be away this weekend. This sounds bad but I'm kind of relieved. He always brings this negative energy into the house. When I was little I felt guilty because every time I heard his keys turn in the door I felt anxious. Dad's keys in the door meant nagging about homework, nagging about grades, fights with mom, maybe a fight or two with sister, no TV, etc. The entire mood of the house would change from relaxed, to constant worry. When I came home from school and it was just my mom in the house I always felt carefree and pleasant. But every single time I heard those keys and my dad entered I could just feel the change of energy. And it wasn't a good feeling.

I convinced myself that I was just crazy and it meant nothing, but just a couple years ago I found out my mom felt the same way. I don't know what it is exactly, my dad just seems to be a walking beacon of negative energy. This is why I feel slightly relieved he won't be here tomorrow or Sunday. I know it sounds horrible, but then again my dad and I never had the best relationship to begin with. He's controlling, and still tries to control what I do with my life, even at age 22. I'm sick of it! It just makes me want to leave and never come back.

I might see a movie tomorrow with my mom. I don't know what we'll see yet, but it will probably be some independent film.

My friends from school want to meet up in the city next week, so I'll probably do that as well. And then it won't be much longer until I go back to school. I'm literally counting down the days! What in the world am I gonna do when I graduate and can't go back anymore...

I just want to escape this home life. It just isn't enough anymore. I love my parents but I feel like I'm still a baby bird who needs to break away from the nest. I'm desperate for a job because I don't want to stay home anymore. It makes me depressed sometimes, but most of the time I just feel indifferent. I try really hard to not be depressed about small things like this, especially after the fiasco that was last semester. I would come home drunk some nights and cry out of sadness and frustration, something I hadn't done since I was 18. I probably spent hundreds of dollars on the bars and booze, and that doesn't sound like a lot but for a poor art student who lives off of two paychecks for the year, it was bad.

To be honest now that I'm thinking about all of this, I feel a little scared right now. I know I'm happier, but am I really? I feel like I'm going to end up doing the same shit next semester; dress up like a hooker, pregame, get sloppy drunk, go to the bars, make out with Z...Or maybe I'm just the average 22 year old who likes to party a bit too much. I guess I don't really know the answer just yet, but I'd like to think I'm better off now. I have faith that I'll keep seeing Z next semester, so that should calm me down a bit.. right??

That's enough contemplation for tonight. Time to watch some Gossip Girl!

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