Eel

Candlelight

If I hadn't talked to Irf this week, my mind would've exploded.

Mohsin finally got a Facebook, I'm so happy. Sort of. He's a great guy, but funny, I don't like him or anything. Although, if I had fell in love with him rather than Phil, things may have been a lot different. And he's more close-minded, no offense to him because he's super cool...but he'd definitely hurt me a lot more because Phil at least does sweet things from time to time. Mohsin wouldn't know what to do.

I must catch up on Naruto.

It was tough, but Khizar's reminded me of the candlelight. I feel turmoil every time I'm left alone to think about everything else. But once the thoughts of certain people in the senior class reach my head, everything else seems to slowly drift away. Thank God for Earth, I can't stop saying that.

Mathew is going with someone else, and I'm beginning to realize how much I hate Hassan. To homecoming of course, which kinda hurts. But just a little bit. When everyone talks about Mathew and Zubair being the next Phil and/or Mohsin, I get this rush of stirred up feelings I don't want. Japheth actually becomes Josh in terms of seniors, and I get stirred up. Khizar becomes this hybrid of Qadri and Shareef, but he's leaning more toward Qadri. And honestly, being around the freshmen has made me realize how fucking alone I am.

Phil has been expanding in my mind, to a point where he just gives me headaches. All I can literally think about is hugging him, and making him happy, and just cuddling him and thinking of hundreds of different scenarios to convince them that our love would be okay, when he'd be okay with me, but it will never happen. That is destroying me inside, and he won't know, and no one will tell him. I'll make sure of that. If anyone is to do that, it'll be me, and that's if I die or something.

Every once in a while, I flirt with someone and my heart skips a beat. I told Khizar I wanted to hug someone from behind because it always seemed super heartwarming to others...who were okay with it of course. So I told him I would hug him, and he told me to save it for someone special, and I told him that I was. Lmao he aw'd so hard. I like to see him happy. It makes me happy.

Every time I put my hand gently on my abs, I feel Mathew's. I have to keep my hand away from myself because it's only reminding me of how I feel about him. I should not be able to think of him like that, it was only just once. Just once...

Where is Zubair to vent out all of my frustrations when I need him? I did bad things with Jay and I hate it! :(
Now I remember why the name brings me pain. That was Caryale's nickname too, Jay, my first ex. Wow, history just fucking repeats itself. I'm really fed up right now. I'm so fed up with myself.

I want to just change everything, I want to stop making the same mistakes, it's so pathetic. You know? I'm not exactly sure what triggers this random outburst but here it is, you know. I have told my self repeatedly not to make the same mistake twice, and here I am, just you know...making the same mistake twice. Zubair just said he was gonna go to sleep and I just kinda need him and I don't wanna go back to school. I don't wanna start this week off feeling, feeling like this.

When Dr. Vites gave me that hug...I will never forget it. I feel...I don't know, I wanted to make her feel like everything she done would be remembered but I was so shocked at her response, it almost made cry. Like the white tulip in Fringe...everything just almost always makes me cry. I'm just too emotional.
Ovais's words stuck to me this New Year. He said I needed to tone down on the profanity...and it's not the first time someone told me to calm down. He used to be my box of things I would tell my secrets to at night, but now...but now that's anyone who's open for a listening ear.

You know, that used to be Faique. What the fuckkk even happened. I told Ovais everything that Faique didn't even know. That's why Faique isn't my friend. Because I...because I overreacted and I couldn't grow up. That's why JD wasn't my friend, because I overreacted and I refused to grow up.

That's why I'm losing my friends.
I
can't
grow
up.