MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2014-01-02 17:43:54 (UTC)

Struggling.

Not sure if I've hit a depressive state or this is circumstantial but I'm fucking hurting today.
New years sucked, someone brought something up that lead us to talking about how at Halloween I was with that stupid loser I'd tried to have something with after Kyle left me in the middle of my last manic episode. I guess he didn't think I had continued anything with that guy outside of the hospital but yeah, he can hardly look at me.
I don't wanna deal with it, it hurts too much.
There's nothing I can do about it. I wasn't healthy, I don't feel like it's fair to hold it against me but I understand that it's not something he can just let go.
I just wanna run away, I don't wanna have to face the fact that I fucked it up and I may not ever get things back.
He's absolutely broken, I have never seen a guy cry so much.
I feel dirty, disgusting, inadequate.
I don't think I deserve to feel like this.... I'm a good person... I never just let things happen the way they did... I slipped up, I was not only in an episode but completely let down and LEFT by him.
Whatever, maybe if I curl up the numbness will die off eventually... seems to be the only course of action I can muster up. I feel like dying, but I'm not worried about it.. I never take action on this shit... just don't know how to proceed from here......
I don't really wanna be anywhere near Kyle. He's not unbearable but it hurts too much. I know I'm not gunna be able to make it better and I can't just hang out with him and not act like his girlfriend... but he doesn't want me very close.. we haven't even had sex since.
I just feel like I'm just walking on eggshells trying to fix things.... I can't give up on him but whats the point in spending the night together when he doesn't even feel right in my arms. I can feel the discomfort. I really hope things turn up.




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