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2013-12-30 20:26:45 (UTC)


"Stand By Me" by Ben E. King

December 30, 2013 8:30 PM Monday

Hey, I'm here again, happier than a clam could ever be, happier than a dog I guess. :)
I feel different. I want to be close with my friends again and I want to share stuff too. I feel guilty for feeling so independent before but how were they supposed to know? It did feel like they knew, though. It's like as I pushed off them, they did the same to me. Treat me the way I treat them. Well, I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose them. I love who they are and who they were. I love the memories they embody and the memories they will embody.

I just hope they love me too.

Day 6 (dec. 20) - Day 9 (dec. 23)

"Severus and Stone" by Radical Face

Okay so we drove most of this day but we reached a warmer climate here, South Caroline. That was greeeeat. I could roll down my windows and South Caroline has the most beautiful trees I've ever seen. But rewind. In North Carolina, we ate breakfast. The night before we slept in a Comfort Inn. I think. I can't remember. Well we ate at Waffle House, the chain restaurant, and yeah. I liked it. I don't know why this is even significant in my mind. I guess because on our way back in North Caroline we stopped at a Waffle House to eat breakfast. Not the same one, but still.

Anyway we stopped to see the Angel Oak in South Caroline. HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY AMAZING BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS

I've been using beautiful so much it feels insincere to use it to describe this, too. All these beautiful things are beautiful in their own breathtaking ways but I don't have enough beautiful words in my vocabulary to call them anything other than the word that comes to my mind - beautiful. Somehow, gorgeous doesn't measure up to beautiful and neither does amazing. Using the word so much dampens it's meaning because if everything is beautiful, then nothing is, right? But I cAN'T.... I dunno. It was beautiful.

It's arms so long and thicker than most tree trunks... so heavy they touched the ground, so alive, so perfect, still kicking, so old so wonderful

so so so so so

That night we got to the oldest city in Florida, St. Augustine in that is the correct night and stayed at a nice hotel across from the beach. We didn't go to the beach, though, not until the next day and even then for a very brief amount of time. I love the ocean. I love it too much to tell it it's beautiful. I must find a different word that surpasses beautiful so I can finally describe how majestic and elegant it really is. Wow, now I'm all sappy sounding, go ahead, assassinate me if you want but I won't bleed blood, I'll bleed fucking honey that's how gooey I feel right now.

Hmm. I wish I actually bled honey. That would be sweet.... hah... hah.... hahah.... hahahahahaha i'm funny if only to myself. High five, self, that was a knee slapper

i cant


what even

what am i

OOOHKAY. Day 7. We drove to Miami County and arrived at my cousins house at around six PM. I hadn't seen her in 3 years. Possibly four. She was a freshman when she visited us in New York, and now she's a freshman again, only in college.

I'ma call her Marissa. I can't describe how wonderful she is, but obviously I'm gonna try. Only not right now. During my next entry about christmas and such.

One thing you should know, though, is that her hair is teal and the color of the ocean so obviously i really love it. oooohhhhhshen.

So that night we went to Miami and hung out at the bayside and listened to a band play old music fro the 80s and stuff. All the adults went craaazy having fun and my dad was hopping cuz thats his dance.

Oh dad.

And and and we saw another awesome tree. but I don't know what kind it is.

Day eight. Lonng boring morning at my Miami Family's church but it couldn't be helped so oh well. At least it was different, people had real solos where they sung religious songs. It was cray man, cray. Made me wanna believe in God. But that's something I can't do. I wish I could, but I can't. I don't think I'll ever be able to. I won't "find" him. Not when he's not there, but it's nice that others believe. Without faith, people wouldn't be... human. Their religion can SERIOUSLY cloud their faith at times but otherwise it's healthy... because you're not alone and not everything is your fault and you don't have to worry so much when bad things happen because you just had to trust that it was supposed to happen and now you just need to be strong. Be strong.

I wish I was religious. I wish I was completely ignorant (ps im not saying being religious is being ignorant, because rereading that sentence it sounded like i was implying that... no i just wish i didnt know so much). Wait no. Then I wouldn't be as grateful and happy with what I have. But I do wish I didn't worry so much (and i still kinda wish i was religious). I wish to be like my dad, who has a stressful job but whom you barely ever see stressing. He gets it done and stays happy doing it. I love that about him.


Weee went to the mall. Marissa, me, and Caroline tried on clothes which was a lot of fun and Marissa told me I was skinny/small a lot and who doesn't like to hear that? Other than guys who are not jockeys?

We bought a present for my mom because the twenty third is her birthday.


The day passed in a sleepy blur. I remember dressing up real nice in a crop top and waist high hi-low skirt that was teal. Marissa lent it to me. I loooove my crop top and I felt pretty goooodd.

We went to a hibachi place and I ordered a sushi platter. I got red lumpfish caviar with it!!! CAVIAR!!! And squid, and all this other stuff. The sushi was great and surprisingly filling. I didn't eat all of it. I pretty much stopped after

Caroline, unlike herself, teased me for not eating the squid sushi. Can you blame me? It had it's suckers still there, staring at me!!! Anyway, she took a bite and chewed and swallowed like it was the easiest thing ever and me, loving a challenge, took a bite as well.


It was disgusting. Not gross tasting, just the idea and the texture. Texture always gets me. It was super chewy and the suckers were really crunchy and chewy. I almost threw up. It took a lot of willpower to down that fancy shit.

But I did it.

And I'm proud. I'm glad my sister made me do it. Later, she told me how gross it really was and I told her that she was a very good liar because it seemed like she was simply eating gummy worms or something.

That wonderful night ended and so does this entry.

WRITTEN 12/31/13

Idk if you can tell but I was tired while writing this entry. I misspelled South Carolina and North Carolina like three or four times. I kept reusing adjectives, which is not like me, like saying beautiful and chewy more than once in a sentence.

My english teacher weeps at this entry.




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