2013-12-25 03:21:57 (UTC)


O Holy Night, the stars are bright and shining.

I wonder how my friends are doing right now. I know they're in college, but if it's anything like this, like staying up and typing on a computer...

I really like this computer. It's sleek, and really easy to type on. It forces me to use all my fingers. Also, I need to update this with my life. First off...there's Auggie. A lot of people seem to like him. I don't know how I feel about him yet, though. I shouldn't freak out about it too much but should I start talking to him? I wonder if Jermaine would get jealous if I did.

Then, there's also Jacob. I know he's disguised as Gianpaolo on Facebook, but that's so stupid. Photographic memory. It only took me one look at his phone to keep that little detail. Still, why does he roam Facebook like that? He says he never uses it and even maintains it...Mathew said it too. But why would he lie about that? I shouldn't invest my feelings or my time into it, but I kinda can't help but think about him every so often. He's incredibly sweet, and he's attractive. I've also noticed he has a web-like birth mark that is near his collar-bone area, but he doesn't like showing people that. Nothing to be ashamed of, really. I find it beautiful. Especially because he has broad pecs AND a hairy chest to accentuate it...makes him look bad ass. I'm angry with myself for letting myself be attracted to him...

Mathew. I call him MG3. jk, I call him Mat, actually, but instinctively I have to go against not adding the extra 't'. I wanted to just twin with him on Friday, but instead we ended up spending the entire day after school together. Embarrassingly enough, I taught him a few moves in break-dancing. I was actually pretty shocked he knew what C-walking was, and I had told him about how there used to be a breakdancing club at NCP. I have no idea what happened to it though. I guess everyone who ran it got too cool for I spotted him for a backbend and I felt every single one of his abs...crazy hard. Crazy arousing. I had to stop my thought so he could survive and not hit the floor... But he's a little weak on the forearms. He grew abs but no upper body lol. He's a cute guy, I admit. I want to hug him all the time. He said I looked sad at Pack the Gym, and wanted me to stand up. I wonder what he meant by that, because I still don't understand. I want to ask him to Homecoming, but he has brown parents, and even if they were open about it he's still straight. I would be so happy too...

either him or Jacob.

:( Hassan is a different story. He does things to me that are ridiculous but dirty. I have sensitive spots on my neck and face that he always talks, whispers, or breathes on and it sends warm shudders down my spine. Not the creepy ones, but the ones like you get more curious as to what happens next. I know he's straight, but he fucks with my feelings. Not my actual feelings, but my physical ones, but one day he's gonna get too close to my face and get something he won't expect at all :x

I think Zubair is the only freshman that I can trust with anything, and I feel so bad for him. I knew exactly what was coming for him running as freshman rep, I should've told him. It seemed so different at the time, I illusioned myself with the fact that maybe the freshmen this year would be a lot less cruel than last year, so I even offered to make some of his posters...but in every crook and nanny people just take the slightest opportunity to tell him how terrible of a freshman rep he is and how bad of a job he's doing. He must be this perfect model of a StuCo rep that everyone thinks Sam K. is and it drives him off the wall and even gets more frustrating when Zoobs has to do all the work and Sam gets credit for it. I wonder. He doesn't know how good he's getting at hugs. It's a bad thing if I start wanting more from him lolll. And I took "lolll" from him too. Damnit.

Enough of the freshmen though. I would like to clarify, Snowflake, that I still don't have a homecoming date. Funny thing is, Auggie doesn't either. And I kinda don't wanna ask him...but I haven't asked anyone these past years. Should that change?

PHIL I COULDN'T. He did something on League, he did a thing. We were having an innocent conversation about puns and he said his dick was so hard it was like he took Vi-agra and omg I couldn't breathe. That was the first time he has ever said anything sexually inappropriate to me and it was so vulgar. But I haven't stopped thinking about the....yeah. It's really bad. I feel so dirty for it and so ashamed and I want the thoughts to go away and they just keep creeping back. Is it really love now when I'm temporarily being driven by lust? :( Maybe everyone is right, maybe gays are incapable of just loving each other and it's just a huge lust fest...

No, I'm sure of it. I love him. Lust never drove me to take his sweater. Lust doesn't want to make me cuddle him every time I see him. Lust didn't drive me to hug him for a year. He's starting to be a lot more open, and consequently more flirtatious. I should approach cautiously, because he's straight. The other day I asked him what had happened to his chin, because there was a bandage on it. His smooth ass response was, "I fell for you." But he had known that by saying that he had made my day. He had seen how red I had gotten. He's just a different type of weird. I love him in ways he couldn't comprehend, and I will love him longer than anyone would ever even hope to think. I wish he knew that though. As he hears it, he thinks it'll go away, and maybe I'll get over him soon. That's what I thought, too. In fact, that's what I hope. But every time I think about him...I just know. I know that there is nothing that I can do to help stop how I feel when he enters my mind...nothing that I can do. There are no brown guys attractive enough to push me away from Phil, even when I do happen to find a guy once in a while it's only a short distraction.

There are things I wish he knew...I tell him that I love him all the time, and he hears it. But does he listen to it? I don't know. I want to...never mind. I want to kiss him. At least once. But even mentioning that to him would freak him out to a point where he would deny it and probably never talk to me again. Would he compromise on cuddling? Why am I even talking about this like it's gonna happen? Smfh. I want to knock my stupid fucking skull into the stupid fucking wall.

Cristian has been sad lately. I like how abundantly he's been asking for hugs. I don't want that to change though, because his pecs are nice to lay my head against when I'm tired. lolol. I want to get on the junior boys good sides and graces before I graduate. Why? I don't know. But I suddenly see a lot of people so much cooler than they are like Naeem, Mana, etc. I hope talking to them or something won't be too weird.

What is going on in my life anymore? Should I just stop talking to people?