The heart and this great sadness
I haven't regularly written in a journal since about 1995. I've spent most of my life battling depression; until my early 30s, when my approach to my condition changed. With a different approach, I got a different result. I felt, essentially free from my depression for several years. I would still have depressive episodes but they were not quite so debilitating. They didn't seem as dark or deep, until recently.
So a little more than a year ago, I got sober. I stopped doing drugs over two years ago, but quitting alcohol took more effort. I had to go to AA and get help for that. After all, I had been drinking since I was 14 in an effort to self-medicate. I had fantasizes about taking my life since the age of 8, so drugs and alcohol were a relief from the pain I knew as life.
In the last couple months, I have been experiencing a depression darker than I remember in a long time. I long for a release from this constant and gnawing pain. In the last few days, I have felt a break in the darkness, a lightening up of the dark chains that have bound me. And it is a welcome relief. I still long to be freed from this ongoing torture. I do not know what the answer is. I wonder at times if this is my lot, if this is what I came into this life to experience. I thought many years that that wasn't true. That a God or Beloved Universe would not have me born into this amazing world only to experience suffering.
I do not always understand my suffering, why I suffer or what I can do to alleviate it. It can be challenging to trust the process when it seems your process is mostly sucking! But I mostly feel as though I have little other choice than to continue to meditate, go in, trust the process, what else can I do??
I also read books and watch videos that may help put good vibes in my mind. I use essential oils, flower essences and herbs, and sometimes work with stones. I do whatever I feel pulled to do and try as best as I can to listen to my heart.
I am trying to be gentle with myself, to judge less and understand more, and cultivate a deeper awareness. I have carried great sadness and loss for as long as I can remember. Smetimes I think I was born with a broken heart, and my lifelong task is simply to heal, to learn to love again.
When I tap in, I usually find my heart's state to be one of fear and pulling away from life. I have gotten images of my heart wrapped in the grip of an octopus, it's tentacles pulling it into it's center. This tender heart doesn't dare come out. I sometimes sit with it and we are in a cave, peering out underneath a dark natural awning. Just the two of us sitting there, where it is safe.
I think this little heart was broken over and over again to the point it just decided at some point not to come out anymore, and the pain of reaching is just almost unbearable, but so is the loneliness. You see the dilemma no doubt. So do I, but the heart is not a logical creature, but one of great mystery and depth.