MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2013-12-21 15:18:16 (UTC)

Black and White

I've been out of the hospital for about a month now, as well as on lithium and only smoking weed once or twice a week for this amount of time as well.
I'd say my mood's been fairly good (amazing in comparison to how it was before) but still not it's best, I find the hypo-mania and mania are out of the picture now but I still get mildy depressed fairly regularly. I feel pretentious labeling my moods, though, who ever really knows when their short-period, non-disabling, mood malfunction is really a depressive swing or just a mood? We all have highs and lows, don't we? Guess I wouldn't really know that for certain either... bipolar research is vague in a sense. I mean, psychology can only be so black and white.
I wish everything was black and white, it's why I like math. Everything else feels like I'm bullshitting, not that I'm bullshitting any more or less than anyone else... I think I'm just more aware of it.
I have a fascination with smoke. I picture math like the particles themselves, holding a numerical mass and chemical structure, studies based on relationships with one another are the path the particles follow. Random, yet beautiful, so beautiful that one may argue they are
pre-planned courses. When I speak or write, I picture myself as smoke, flowing with the path of least resistance, winding and creating.

Anyway, today my plans of seeing my extended family were changed due to poor weather, so I'm spending the day in Kyle's bed because I don't wanna hang out around his roommates...seems logical, right? More than 4 hours till he gets home! Urrghh, I think I should go downtown to eat..I just can't seem to get over the judgments of his roommates. Walking back and fourth out of his house when Kyle isn't with me feels like I'm like, moved in, when in reality I just don't wanna bus an hour's way home. When Kyle and I first got back together his brother told him not to be an idiot and he was stressed about it which made me stressed about it. As easy as it is to say to just disregard it all it's just not a reality..it's too bad not everything in the real world adds up.




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