It's 3:38 in the morning.
The sounds I hear,
are the ventilation of the heat being pushed into my room,
the panting of a dog caged in a room full of lightly snoring brothers,
and the tiny vibrations of the keys being pressed as I read this in my mind.
You know, I still don't understand. I'm supposed to be happy but I haven't made contact with anyone in over a week. Physical contact...is that what I need? I don't understand though. I want to be hugged, I want to hug, but I'm clearly not cut out for it.
You know what I'm not cut out for? Making friends. No matter how hard I try, I lose people I wish I could've been friends with. Guys hate me for a reason, a lot of them do. I wish I could do something about it instead of feel sorry for myself. But the pressure, it's so real. I can feel it weighing on my heart.
There is so much work that needs to be done. I'm not exactly sure why I'm laying here typing. I wish I had this energy in class. I've had this cough for about a while now and it won't go away.
Here's the deal about the brownies now. I was thinking that they should have another brownie get together barbecue. Except, would they allow me to go? Jesus did last time but...they haven't had one like that since last year. I don't like thinking about it - but I know I've grown more mature. And you know who I have to thank for that? Ovais. I like him but he's taught me to keep my feelings to myself without completely expressing them and blowing them all out at once. I realized how overwhelming it could be and it is probably why I am not friends with Fe.
Fe, I felt you, forgetting me. It was terrifying at first. But I can accept it now.
I miss the senior brownies. And I hope they miss me too, but I'm definitely sure they've moved on to bigger things. [ventilation and panting stopped]
There is no excuse. I am not Ahmed's friend. And I beat myself up for it. I try to convince myself that I am his friend, or that he's just too busy to be friends with me. No. If he knew I was suffering like this over him he would NEVER want to be friends with me because that is too much being fixed on being friends for him to believe it.
I do want to be friends with him though. He just doesn't understand how much I relate to him sometimes. But a lot of people don't like admitting they're similar to others. I have Phil's sweater.
Instead of an approach, maybe I can wait it out at Indian dance. They've yet to post practice for the guys so I'm sure I can figure out something soon. I need to wear a kurta...and I've been conquering lots of things in my sexual journey lately. It seems like I'm not so sexually interested in Desis anymore. They are my preference of course...it's just I don't think the same way when I see an attractive one anymore, the lustful thoughts are gone.
They were always not there when I talked to a Desi like Naeem or Nadeem or anyone in jamaah, because I didn't ever think like that while talking to them, that is so disrespectful. Maybe they wouldn't be friends with me if they knew the things that have been going on inside of my head...
I don't know why Naeem got really attractive all of a sudden though. It is completely unfair. It's not cool. And it seems people have a selective taste for Ahmed -- they like him or they don't. And most of the time, they don't. I don't understand it. Ramiz hangs out with him all the time but he is a lot more popular than Ahmed is. And Ahmed's tweets...they're not much to analyze, but he has problems with people too and that's a given. I just hope he never refers to me on his tweets. I would be sad.
I am not jealous of Ahmed and zeiba. I wouldn't have any right to be. Zeiba told me how she felt about him...she likes him obviously, but she's not sure where she wants to categorize him in her life. I know that feeling. But if Ahmed knew she felt this way, he'd be sad. They like each other and I hope zeiba soon knows where to place him.
I was talking to Zubair about it too...and it seems like there is rivalry about zeiba. Zubair knows he won't be dating any time soon, and that is no offense to him because he even said so himself. I feel bad for him. The basic Muslim struggle. He's not gay though...on the bright side, he wouldn't be the minority of a minority. He is learning to give great hugs. I wonder from who. I wonder if all the brown guys give great hugs. I must learn this soon.
I felt so stupid at the Halloween dance when he asked me what do I say...I knew what I had to say but I had no idea why I had knocked on the door. "I DON'T WANT CANDY, I WANT YOU." -tackles-
Oops. I at least wish the scenario was played in my head like that.
4am. I'm still awake, but now so is my brother. The panting continues.
I need to catch this journal up. There was... brownie football, Jamaah Dinner, meeting Ovais, Bollywood movies, getting into the musical, sabor practice, Aisha and Phil now, teachers, college, counselors, SO much more but I hope to establish that when I finally get a new laptop for Christmas! :) I'll be waiting for it.
"You. It's been hard lately, but you've been dealing. You often feel lonely, you struggle sometimes with others and yourself. You should know that you are loved. You are more important than you know, your very existence is cherished. You are thoroughly awesome."