Vanilla

Down.

I hate having to write in here and having to be sad. But right now I feel so alone in what I am going through and I wish I was stronger, more resistant to people and their words or even their actions.

I feel stupid, dumb, low, down like I am not good enough to even exist and its mainly because I am being treated like less than a human by my CEO. It sounds stupid, but his words and his negativity is getting to me hes crushing me as a human and crushing my spirit. Its like to him I am a piece of furniture like I dont even exist, like I am not even good enough to walk the same floor he does. He dismisses me like I am a nobody, he walks all over me like Im just a piece of shit beneath his feet. And it hurts because that attitude he has of me reflects onto the way other people treat me. He has no respect for me and I dont know what I have done so bad, so horrible that I deserve to be treated like this.

He treats everyone else just fine. He treats other woman completely fine so why isit with me that I get so much of his wrath. In a normal environment I really wouldnt give a shit I would dismiss his existance but how can I do that when I work for him directly? My every thought has to be connected to him. I hate it, I hate feeling this way like Im not meant to be here, im not a part of his community. For the past 3 months I have tried to be a soldier and to deflect everything he says and does to me. But there is a limit. I refuse to let him win but right now he is winning.

Last night at the christmas party...well 2 nights ago he was horrible to me he was drunk which is fine. But he just started shoving me away telling me to go away. wth. Why do I deserve this kind of behaviour?