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2013-11-27 23:48:50 (UTC)

Sad Ramblings

"I Caught Myself" by Paramore

I know in my heart it's not you

Wednesday November 27, 2013 11:48 PM

Overwhelmed by feelings once again. Hard to tell if I'll make it out of this darkness. The hopelessness that creeps in through the darkness, the very darkness that is the only place I feel comfortable anymore, it seems so impossible to conquer.

Triggered by the past. Flipping through old yearbooks, reading things written by estranged friends, some of them I know well today but back then I knew them better.

I miss Marina. I was the one that pushed her away though. I was so mean to her. Maybe she made a few mistakes, but if I were to confront her about it, I should've done it as a friend and not as an enemy. I was mean about it, cruel, and I had sick fun. I've already talked about this evil in me. I don't want to talk about it again.

Funny how I wanted to put our friendship back together so badly right after I crushed it to a powder. I fell through the ice.

I notice I never think of beautiful things during happiness. If I do, they stay in my head. When I'm swallowed by the night, dark vines grow from me. My best writing comes out then. I'm not talking about this dumb diary stuff - I'm talking about my actual writing, which I've never actually posted here.

I have some stories, one in particular about like a socially really strange person with a superiority complex (which has a inferior complex in it) based on someone I actually discovered on this site. I really like that person. She's so unique. Based of her, yes, I made a story but it's not her, if you know what I mean. Inspired is what I should say, actually.

I believe the real beauty in this world isn't seen by happy people. It's the mysterious thing that keeps depressed people down. I can't explain it and I don't really want to at this moment.

After this is over, I will not remember how it felt, just like I have no recollection of how being fine felt. Is that happiness? Being fine? I don't think so. I think it's exactly what it is.

I kind of wish I wasn't shy. I wish I were an actor. I think I'd be pretty good, mostly because I tend to feel a lot. Like the people I read about kind of become me. Like if I watch a show for awhile, I kinda become the main character.

What am I talking about. Got to go. Caroline is home.

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