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2013-11-26 20:49:16 (UTC)

I Plan To Accidently Kill It

"Missing" by Evanescence

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
And I that insignificant?

Isn't something missing?
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone

Tuesday November 26, 2013 8:52 PM

I'm not really in a depressed mood. I was just frustrated and that's why I cut myself. That is why I did it. I don't regret it yet.

I keep slipping from my role. I am supposed to be responsible, happy, jokey, shy, generous

but I keep catching myself being selfish, lazy, and distant

The distant-ness I do not care about. But the selfishness? In order to get me back into work mode, I had to carve my new name into my arm.


That is what my scars will say. Role. I have a role in this family. I strive to break free from the stereotypes. I don't want to be typical. I want to be better.

I want to be slender. I want to be strong, physically and mentally. I am independent. I want to film as many moments as I can. I want to create a story someone can fall in love with. I want to be disciplined. Most of all, I want to tame my emotions.

These cuts aren't self hate. They're self help. They're a reminder to stop me from eating so much. A reminder to exercise. A reminder to do my work when it's first given to me, not just before it's due.

That little she-devil in me, she just won't die. I think she's dead and then BAM, she takes a huge breath and manipulates my neurons. <eh? Is that correct?

All I need is for her to leave and then I'm all good. I can't kill her directly. I must do it slowly and carefully to keep her down for good -- that way, when she disappears I can say it was an accident.

Now excuse me as I lay the groundwork that will help me reach my goals.

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