"Ballad for Dead Friends" by Dashboard Prophets
[Yes, this song is from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, I'm still obsessing over this show even though it's been over for a decade. *cry*]
How are you feeling?
Do you feel okay?
'Cause I don't
Have you been dreaming?
I don't dream at all
I have nightmares
Tuesday November 26, 2013 - Written at: 4:47 PM - Posted at: 7:02 PM
I feel okay. Looking back at my moods, I feel stupid. OF COURSE I'M NOT BORDERLINE WHAT WAS I THINKING? Extreme paranoia was ruling my mind, I guess. Or maybe I was just clawing for an explanation as to what my brain is chemically, psychologically. Because I haven't gotten one that explains anything. I have dumbass "bipolar". At least my GAD diagnosis at least explains my anxiety.
So I think it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. Did I write about how independent I feel? Like I really don't need anyone? Yeah. I love my friends and all, they're amazing, but I'm friends with them on like a two dimensional level. They know this one version of me and I know one version of them. It never goes deeper.
Maybe it gets close sometimes.
I guess Lily knows/knew the most. I should really give her the notebook we've been sharing but it's kinda on my top shelf and I don't really feel like telling her anything at all. Once I start spilling, I tend to spill it ALL.
So moods, eh?
Well a couple weeks ago they were flippy. I was fine I was anxious I was fine I was angry or anxious and so on. I got all depressed on Saturday when Sam was over. Either triggered by totally sucking at being a host or a crash from the little bit of weed I'd smoked earlier.
Ew. I hate saying I have smoked weed. My mental image of me turned into hippie. So yeah. I occasionally smoke weed. I'm not a hippy. Really, I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy smoking weed 24/7. I'm being as safe as I can. I try not to take risks.
WELL. Anyway about the depression. I could feel myself slipping. It starts with a horrible feeling and an urge to do something artsy to get it out. Then I have artist block or whatever and I can't paint, so I sit there staring for awhile while Same paints. I didn't bother cleaning my paint things, which is not common for me.
Then I start saying things that don't make sense. They're cryptic. My feelings slip out in the form of... well, I'm not sure. I got kinda dreamy. I hate saying stuff outright so yeah, to convey my depression, I'd say things like:
"I'm swallowed whole."
"Clowns wear painted smiles."
They have no place in normal conversation. Then again, when I'm like that, I can't hold a conversation at all. I'm too zoned out.
I almost cut myself. I got my pocket knife and spent forever sharpening it. I'd only stop if I ran it on my skin with zero pressure and it gave me a small cut. I didn't get to that point. We walked the dog and it kinda disappated. Then we smoked more weed.
Do you ever feel like part of you died?
A different part. The person I've been lately. The person that the hospital spat out.
As soon as I got home in May, I took my chalk and wrote stuff on my walls, like band names and by my ceiling where my loft bed is, I wrote a bunch of positive things to keep me going. Lin wrote on my wall that thing from the help, "You is kind, You is smart, You is important." (She also drew a person with a cloud coming from their butt and labeled it FART OF LOVE lollol).
Point is, Sunday I spent hours cleaning my room starting by ripping everything off my walls and cleaning off all the chalk. I wanted to kill her. That piece of me. I didn't want to kill myself - just her.
I'm not my own enemy. The world is my frenemy. My emotions let the world win.
Things I Wish:
- I wish I could make friends
- I wish I wasn't so awkward because if I weren't, people would like me
- If people like me, they won't care how I look
- I wish I were skinnier
- I wish someone could see that I'm different.
- I wish I was more open to things. Inside, I really am but since I'm so awkward, people think I'm all prim and proper or they think I'm arrogant and that I have a superiority complex
Ah whatever bye
Am I different?