Confessions of madness
2013-11-16 20:16:37 (UTC)

Stuck in a game I no longer want to play.

So since I last posted I got a job, I'm still with my wonderful other half Sid and my mother is slightly better then she was.


I am working in a discount shop close to me as a cashier at minimum wage for a company that treats it's employees like dog shit. I work 20 hours a week at hours that screw up my mentality, I am also trained as a supervisor for them and will quite often get roped into doing supervisor shifts (for no extra pay) which I originally agreed to do to so I would be the next on the list for the full time position when it came in, I wasn't. I work my ass off for them, I am polite and always turn up on time. They gave me a disciplinary because earlier in the year I was sent home from work because I got heat stroke because the company was too cheap to put in air con.
I hate my job.
I also hate people.
I have to stand around being polite and friendly to people who look at me like I'm an unintelligent piece of crap. I am spoken to rudely and have to smile politely back when all I want to do is become a hermit.

I have to pay my mothers bills now I have a job and she is living it large as a student. I don't have alot of money to begin with. And now I have to think about moving out next year which brings a whole load of problems with it.

-Housing problems

Last year Sid said he originally didn't want us to move in together until we we're married but then he didn't see that for another 4-5 years. He is 24. I couldn't deal with that prospect because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford living alone. He has now agreed to move in with me somewhere before then but I can't even afford to do that now with his help. Plus who knows what he's going to be doing for a job next year. Plus it doesn't help that he has it in his mind he doesn't want a mortgage and doesn't want to rent which is our options.


I find it so difficult to keep my rooms tidy. I don't know why but I have no effort, energy or motivation to tidy or clean. It doesn't help that neither does my mother who leaves rubbish all over the house but every time I get close to having it completely tidy within a couple of days its filthy again and I can't bring myself to tidy again. It bothers me so much that I can't do it and sometimes its all I can think about but it still doesn't get me to do anything about it.

I'm playing grown up and I wanna quit.