Confessions of madness
Stuck in a game I no longer want to play.
So since I last posted I got a job, I'm still with my wonderful other half Sid and my mother is slightly better then she was.
I am working in a discount shop close to me as a cashier at minimum wage for a company that treats it's employees like dog shit. I work 20 hours a week at hours that screw up my mentality, I am also trained as a supervisor for them and will quite often get roped into doing supervisor shifts (for no extra pay) which I originally agreed to do to so I would be the next on the list for the full time position when it came in, I wasn't. I work my ass off for them, I am polite and always turn up on time. They gave me a disciplinary because earlier in the year I was sent home from work because I got heat stroke because the company was too cheap to put in air con.
I hate my job.
I also hate people.
I have to stand around being polite and friendly to people who look at me like I'm an unintelligent piece of crap. I am spoken to rudely and have to smile politely back when all I want to do is become a hermit.
I have to pay my mothers bills now I have a job and she is living it large as a student. I don't have alot of money to begin with. And now I have to think about moving out next year which brings a whole load of problems with it.
Last year Sid said he originally didn't want us to move in together until we we're married but then he didn't see that for another 4-5 years. He is 24. I couldn't deal with that prospect because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford living alone. He has now agreed to move in with me somewhere before then but I can't even afford to do that now with his help. Plus who knows what he's going to be doing for a job next year. Plus it doesn't help that he has it in his mind he doesn't want a mortgage and doesn't want to rent which is our options.
I find it so difficult to keep my rooms tidy. I don't know why but I have no effort, energy or motivation to tidy or clean. It doesn't help that neither does my mother who leaves rubbish all over the house but every time I get close to having it completely tidy within a couple of days its filthy again and I can't bring myself to tidy again. It bothers me so much that I can't do it and sometimes its all I can think about but it still doesn't get me to do anything about it.
I'm playing grown up and I wanna quit.