CuriouserAnndCuriouser

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole
2013-11-14 15:19:23 (UTC)

Thoughts Drown Out My Logic.

Here I am today. Sitting in my classroom. I realized my mind does more deep thinking here than at home. When I'm at home all the bad thoughts haunt me more. Or sometimes, I'm more distracted so the thoughts stay to a minimum. Sometimes they are better at home. I guess it really depends on my subconscious. I have 12 minutes until the bell rings. What is time? Why do we calculate it? Does time really truly exist? I remember that philosophy question. Mo had it when he was in the class. He really loves philosophy. Sometimes he uses it against me though. I don't find myself enjoying it. He also knows me so well. He knows what I'll say to something, or how I'll react. At least he does more than half the time. It annoys me because he's right. When he says something like, "Oh whatever. I knew you'd say that." It urks me. I don't want him to know me that well sometimes. Joe never used philosophy against me.. He always said I was spontaneous. That he never knew what I'd do next. Is it me or them? Does Mo just study me better than Joe? Or am I different now that I'm with Mo? Joe asked Kiki about me yesterday.. I went home early due to my ticcing in school, so the only opportunity I had to see him was gone. Mo wasn't at school yesterday because he got a little too rough at the concert. He had to go to the hospital, Bruised hip bone. Is it terrible of me to be slighty excited that he didn't come? I was excited that I'd get more time to see Joe.. That I wouldn't have to rush to see Mo too. But my opportunity was lost, due to my medical problems. Am I terrible for not knowing who I love? For being with someone in fear that they will be crushed if I were to go? I'm also terrified that if I leave Mo, I'll be leaving his family as well.. I could never do that. I'm so drawn to them! I don't know what it is about that family, but I love them with every vessel and every vein that sits inside my body. Sometimes I think I love them more than him.. The bad thoughts are growing bigger, and coming more frequently.. I find myself doubting the love I have for Mo more and more each day, yet I still have days where I think I couldn't live without him. I know it's logical to break it off if I'm not happy. I know this. But I just can't. I don't even KNOW if I'm happy. I can't figure it out. I can't figure anything out.. I'm a freak. I'm a terrible person. I'm a fuck up. I'm just not good anymore..




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