Pier4R

Pier4R thoughts
2013-11-10 23:48:46 (UTC)

Berlin.10112013

November 10th
(yesterday)

Today i wrote a lot. And writing nontrivial thoughts (at least for my standard level) needs a lot of "mental" energy. So after writing i slept a bit. I was active from 9am to 3 pm, then i slept from 3 pm to 6 pm. Then i talked a bit with beatrice, i watched a ted talk and then i went out to meet ahmed. We walked a bit from 8.30 pm to 10 pm, and then i came back.

About the writing, i wrote a reply to my brother. I don't know if he will read it, i don't care so much (maybe i sent the mail even to a non existent mail address) but i have to reply just for my mood. And my feeling were so shaked that now i'm feeling a bit lost.
I'm aware that our life goals can be arbitrary, useless and so on for certain point of views (for example the life goal of a muslim can be seen as useless from a point of view of a catholic). But at least we feel them as -our- objectives/goal. In the same way there is something that is more valuable than other things for us, just because we decided in that way for some reason.
I don't know why but i admired the Germany (1) since i were a child. Now that i'm in Germany (especially in Berlin), i felt so happy. That is happiness that come just from a value that i set arbitrarly, but it works for me. Be in Berlin seems a dream to me, each time that i realize that i'm in Berlin (because the mind gets used to a place in very few days) i think that is a dream or i'm watching some photos from internet. I'm in Berlin and this is real. it's awesome.
Of course, i repeat myself, just because i set an higher value to this city and it's culture.
But on friday the message of my brother shocked me so much that i lost this feeling. I don't feel Berlin anymore. At the same level, i know that i can choose a lot of goals that are consistent with my values and principles (again, also there are arbitrarily chosen), for example: live here as much as i can; learn german to C1 level; learn german in a way that i can read at least 100 books that i ant to read; contribute as much as i can to the berlin/german economy; and so on.
Or i can stick with my previous goal (that is a bit long to explain completely): try to contribute to the human shared experience, even for a little bit and fight for a more fair society.
There was another previous goal, but that is failed i can't recall it.
But now, i don't feel as mine any of these goals. It's just gone, i'm wandering in a void (beautiful void, since i'm in Berlin). And i know that i have a lot of possibilities left, much more than millions of people on this Earth. I should use this possibilities just because i have them while others not, so it's like "use them as much as you could even for behalf of the others that can't". But i don't feel even them (or better, i can think only about suicide for this, so i can free these possibilities for someone else), moreover i'm aware that i'm one of the few that are aware to have a lot of possibilities while many others have few or nothing of them.
This damn emotions. If i were more detached to emotions, i can just stick with my plan. Instead it's so easy to hurt me in the deep. Even if my "rational" (how can i be sure that it is rational? Or that the definition of rational is rational?) part try to say "but who cares, fight for your plan!" in the end our brain is mainly devoted to process input/outputs for our body and to process our emotions and feeling. My rational part is a tiny part compared to these parts. I can succeeded to avoid emotions only if i lost te memory about certain events, but this is not the case.
So i'm in trouble. My only objective that i feel now is: leave everything, just pick a map, some clothes, the bike and try to reach a wood near the baltic sea in within the Germany. Then live there your last days. With nature, within the Germany and with a bike. That will be great.

But my rational part is trying to avoid me to do this. At least for some days. So for now i'll try to follow my rational part, maybe i will get over this mood, or maybe not. Anyway i'm in Berlin and, except for some bad events, noone can avoid me to try to reach some woods near the Baltic sea, so i can spend some more days "normally".
Then, even if i don't feel it at all, i'll try to be useful at work as much as i can. And if i don't change my mind in some days, i will leave it maybe in the next weekend to reach some woods at North. If Stettin (now has a polish name, that i don't remember) was still a city with a sort of german culture (not within Germany, but with a German like culture, as Denmark, Holland, Scandinavia and so on), i would have tried to reach it. But it is no more german-like. Oh, with this i don't mean that polish are bad, they are awesome as well (for me the awesome european countries are: the nordic countries, the german like ones, the russian-hungary-polish like), but for me a german like culture has an high value (just arbitrary) so i want to live the rest of my life in an area with a similar mindset and, just to be clear, i'm not sure if the polish mindset, even if it should be awesome for my standard, is like the german mindset so i can't risk to die in the "polish Stettin" while i'm so near the Germany. And moreover, as maybe you have noted, the mindset or the culture don't mean only the language. The language is useful to transmit information, but i mean mainly "how to behave - how to approach the problems". In the end the "german" behaviour is not only german, a lot of people can act as "german" without knowning it, but the average people is acting in a "german" way only in some places. For example italians are lazy, as well as spanish/Portuguese (i guess at least).

So instead of Stettin i can try to reach, yes Peenemunde, another well known historical place that is still in Germany so it has an high probability to follow the "german mindset". (i repeat myself, maybe also
the polish/russians follows a german mindset, but i'm not sure about it)

And i'm sorry to Berlin, i live these last days without enjoying it so much as it deserve (for my values). But that message of my brother has shocked me. I'm sorry.

(1) And later the German culture, because a territory is of no one. Germany is just a land and is a part of the Earth, the main point is the german culture/mindset that nowdays is anyway similar to the western mindset and so to the american mindset. For example Koenigsberg, and many more other places, had a german/nazi mindset until the 1945, after that the germans were expelled and the mindset changed completely, because the russians and the polish have a quite different mindset, maybe now with the globalization that differences will be zeroed).




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