John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2013-11-06 14:45:24 (UTC)

Entry 139

I skipped Math class again today. I'm waiting for Acting at 1. God, I felt like such an idiot at acting yesterday. I sort of put myself out there. I acted like a tranny in front of everyone. I don't know why it bugs me. It just does. Like, I felt raw, naked, and exposed. Mind you, i'm not a fucking tranny. But acting feminine and all gay as i would with my friends when I'm joking in front of a public scenario, really made me feel terribly embaressed and weird. I was acting though. But I couldn't shake this feeling that people were judging me and that people were probably like "that's who he really is." God, I can't believe I did that. It felt like a good idea in my head! HAHAHAHA. I tried to look at it this way though. Atleast, I tried something and failed, instead of not trying at all like I usually would. Now, I can make this into a learning experience, ya know? I know what I feel comfortable with and what, internally, I do not. So, inside, i'm not girly. I guess I might have some prejudice against girly acting men. I'm still insecure about my masculinity I see. I really thought i was over this. Guess i'm not. I'm still at war with my "gay" side. I feel a little better. Still don't know how i am going to be able to show my face in that room hahahaha. Whatever, if they judge me, atleast I know that I have limited time with them. I also made "friends" with this girl named myra and her crew. I hesitate to call her friend cause she's a little odd. She seems conceited. She asked me if I like it up the ass on the first day we actually talked. I felt, uncomfortable. I mean, that's my personal sex life. I don't think I want to discuss it with a complete stranger. But maybe i'm just being a little overly sensitive. I don't know why I'm like really embaressed on the topic of gay sex!!! Like when they start talking about me, taking it in the ass, my cheeks turn bright red. UGH, ITS SO EMBARESSING! I don't want that image of me in people's heads! Hahaha. I can't help but smirk at that . Anyway, i want to be more out there. Is there a way for introverts, naturally born introverts, to become extroverted? Like....i want to be like Becky. She will shout hello to a random stranger and carry on a conversation like that. I can't do that. I feel nude, and wrong inside. I feel like I'm a weirdo. I think I'm traumatized because of my freshmen year and how people would view and talk about me as a freak. I knew I never wanted to be that weirdo ever again. So I became normal. So normal to the point that I became plain....boring....nothing extraordinary. And now that I want to step out of this level field, I have two issues. My conscience telling me not to because I'm going to be judged. And the inner feeling of me being unreal. That after effect after talking to someone man...i analyze what I said and repeat to myself in my head. Then I scrutinize every damn aspect of my response. Man i shoulda said this....why did my voice sound like that.... It's terrible. I need to see a therapist but...i wouldn't even know where to start. There are a lot of things wrong with me...where do i begin? It's silly of me to think that I'm just going to go, take a seat, and start listing shit. I wouldn't even know what to tackle first. That's whats stopping me. That therapist would hate me if i came in there like that. I'd probably confuse the front desk lady for the therapist and start moaning to her "and then....when I was sevenn....ugh ughhhh...sorry..this is hard to talk about....when i was seven, my mom ate my pet goat! ahhhhhh! " . "Sweetheart..i just needed you to fill out these forms to let you in...and about the goat, that makes some mean ass birria, so get over it hun." Hahahaha. If I didn't learn to laugh at myself. I'd be dead. Ya know, i realized something today. I'm very tame. My jokes are lame because The shit that i find truly funny is offensive. But i expect people to laugh at jokes that I even think are lame? It doesnt work that way. I think i should start cracking all my politically incorrect ones and if i offend anyone, i'll apologize. See, freshmen year spurred another trauma in me. Saying something that other people would be offended by. I used to tell those types of jokes that are a little on the far out side. Kids would get mad at me for telling them and they wouldn't talk to me afterwords. I remember feeling like shit. So i stopped. Now I can't bring them back. Fuck high school man. Fuck it hard. It left so many damn underlying issues, on top of the ones I already had. Ya know what else has been bugging me lately. The way that I get attached to a guy i like so easily. It kills me. And i hate that i do that. I feel like a weirdo but I can't help it. Like this boy i am currently crushing on, Nolan. I'm sure he does not like me back. It took me about....3 weeks to like em, and then i started to get really into em. I will never tell em, knock on wood. I'm not the type of guy that will got tell a guy I like them if i know that theyre straight because i wouldn't want to cause tension. But it just sucks how I fucking fell hard for em...IN SUCH A SHORT TIME! Wtf. I mean, this is wrong. I barely know the damn guy other than what i learned from instagram stalking. Which that in itself, is fucking CREEPY! I hate myself for this. I feel like I'm sick in the head! 3 weeks....that's all it took. He became the only object of my affection. See , thats a double edged sword. Once i truly like a boy, no other man will ever compare. No celeb, no movie star, no artist. Nobody will ever be as great as my man. I am literally, playing two boys right now. Stringing them along, although i do not like them, just to make myself feel better about nolan. Does it work? No. For a split scond, i feel like im gorgeous. Like i'm the best. But when they keep it up...i just want them to go away. Leave me alone. Your not nolan. I feel like this trait about me will help me be faithful to my mate but the only problem is. How do u fall for the right guy? I fall for men so randomly. Take a look at my history. David Silva, a skater, Alex g, a thug, jason guarino, skater, Nolan luevano, a? Nerd?? One thing they all have in common is ...hispanic. So i know I like me my latinos . They were all sweet. I like nice boys. And they are all straight.? That shit ain't goin work. Guess i need me a masculine man. Come out, come out whereever ya are. Oh, also, i like me some guys with DEEP voices. I dont know why. When they talk all gruff and bass toned, it makes me feel all bubbly inside. Everyone ecept jason has a deep voice. I'm noticing a small trend here. Now I know what to look for. Latino, sweet, deep voice. All I ask. I don"5 care if hes not muscly. I don't mind if he's a twig. But woah. Gtg. See ya.




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